06/25/2014 06:49 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Odyssey (In My Own Words)


Calypso: Odysseus, I'm so much hotter than your wife. Just stay on this island forever, and let's be immortal together. I can totally arrange it.

Odysseus: There is no question that you are hotter than my wife, in large part because you have immortality, eternal youth, and sick, sick braids. However, I can't stay here as a sex slave, especially now that Hermes has flown over the ocean and said I have a shot at getting home.

Calypso: We've been shagging consensually and enthusiastically for seven years, and I've been cooking for you. Also I'm a goddess. Was none of that, like, a thing for you?

Odysseus: Oh, yeah, no. Sorry if I led you on! Speaking of which, do you have any indestructible fabric you could turn into magical clothes for me?

Calypso: Yeah.

Odysseus: Cool, I figured.

Calypso: Look, I'm having a rough time with this. Wanna F once more in my sweet sweet cave-bedroom before we spend four days building your shitty raft that's obviously gonna capsize?

Odysseus: Yeah, I could get into that. For old time's sake.