THE BLOG
08/08/2013 10:31 am ET Updated Oct 08, 2013

Citizen Militia Liberates Small Town From Tyrannical Government

A profanity-laced YouTube video. An overcaffeinated armed militia. Neo-Nazis, cries of "Obamanation!" and an unhinged police chief who publicly threatens the lives and safety of those who challenge his gun-loving ways. Say hello to the tiny hamlet of Gilberton, Pennsylvania, which convincingly answers the question: What happens when the Liberty Movement restores "freedom" to a small American town? As the mainstream media swarms into Gilberton to track the high-octane discord in objective, dispassionate prose, here's a report from the local Gilberton Libertarian Ledger, available exclusively on one guy's blog:

Citizen Militia Liberates Small Town from Tyrannical Government

GILBERTON, PA -- After suffering too long beneath the heel of an oppressive state, a militia of armed citizens liberated the town Gilberton, PA, this week from the clutches of tyrannical liberals.

The group of red-blooded patriots, calling themselves the Constitutional Security Force, descended en masse to a meeting of the Gilberton Borough Council on Friday, bravely brandishing AR-15 assault rifles and fearlessly barricading the doors to prevent local fascist sheeple from entering the meeting or expressing their views.

"For too long, good, honest Americans have watched their liberties taken away by the fascist liberal socialists," said militia member Jack Sullivan as he leveled his assault rifle at an unarmed citizen. "Well I'm not gonna take it anymore. We're here to restore freedom, and we're not afraid to shoot anybody who tries to stifle our liberty with their brainwashed libtard speech. Especially if it sounds kinda gay."

The noble coup represents the culmination of a long, hard fight for freedom in Gilberton. Sources report that the Security Force, led by Sheriff Mark Kessler, has been waging a righteous guerilla war on the local statist oppressors for several months, carrying out daring, Robin Hood-esque raids like arresting and strip searching a councilman without probable cause, throwing bricks through the windows of left-leaning locals, and publicly threatening the life of crypto-communist Secretary of State John Kerry.

"I hope other folks follow our example and liberate their own towns and cities quick, before the socialists come and finally take away their guns" said Kessler, "I think everybody can agree that without guns, we could never have gotten this far."

Kessler is currently under investigation for allegedly discharging his weapon while off duty during a 2011 bar brawl, a charge the courageous, nearly John Galt-level hero vehemently denies. "That's just one more example of the pansy-ass lamestream media derping it all wrong," he told the Ledger, "When I'm in a bar brawl, I don't brandish. I shoot to kill."

The bold uprising in Gilberton is just the latest example of the libertarian resurgence sweeping The United States, a broad movement, energized by honest, hard-working people who want only to be free from the evil of centralized power. Since President Obama's re-election -- an event which struck fear into the hearts of every freedom-loving man, woman, and child -- the Liberty Movement stands firm against socialist elites who use oppressive taxation and armed brutality to corral the People into submission, mainly by building roads and funding public aid.

"The state stands in necessary opposition to freedom," said local intellectual and Austrian economics buff Miles Bradshaw, "I mean, what is taxation, really? Let me tell you: it's highway robbery, and I don't give a fuck if Krugman says otherwise."

"If you don't pay, the libtards come to your house with guns and take the money. And if you try tellin' them that you're a free man and a free man don't surrender his sacred property without a fight? Well then they give you some BS about how you 'consume public goods' and are part of some kind of 'social contract'. Well I didn't sign no social contract, and if I do sign a contract, I don't need no state using violence to enforce it. That's why I own a gun."

As the liberation of Gilberton enters its second week, citizens have rejoiced as they breathe the sweet air of freedom for the first time. "If anybody had a problem with this," said Kessler, "they would'a said so at the meeting. But I ain't seen nobody raise no objections, isn't that right, guys?"

"That's right, boss," replied several snickering freedom fighters, speaking for all Americans.

As of press time, reports indicate that a battalion of boot-licking National Guard sheeple stationed less than eighty miles away were reviewing plans to reassert the iron fist of oppression and crush the last vestiges of freedom in Gilberton by restoring normal democratic function.

Editor's note: This post is satirical.