Congratulations on your engagement! As I approach my third wedding anniversary, all of my "what ifs" and mistakes remain fresh in my memory. I am eager to welcome you to learn from each of them.
During this time, it is exciting to even say you are engaged. Some of the information within this series may appear to be somewhat of my own wedding diary and reflection. This is solely because I am opening up my life and memories in order to assist you in creating your own.
Below is a list I have created to help you survive the engagement process and prepare to transition into married life. Feel free to refer to this list as often as needed. Just don't get married without me.
1. Make Decisions You Feel Great About, And Quickly Lay Them To Rest.
You should adore your wedding dress to a degree that it brings tears to your eyes. You should love it so much that you postpone taking it off for as long as possible. Still, trying on 50 dresses in an attempt to see how much yet another dress can further blow your mind is an enormously annoying waste of time. There will always be a better dress, a better centerpiece and a better cake. Do your research, explore your options and make peace with a decision.
2. Choose Your Bridesmaids Carefully and Wisely, But Don't Beat Yourself Up If You Screw Up.
Being a bridesmaid is often an expensive role, so keep this in mind. I made a conscious effort to keep expenses to a minimum for everyone, even allowing my bridesmaids to choose any knee-length black dress of their preferred brand, style and price range. Most every one of them appreciated this immensely, and were an absolute dream to have in my bridal party. However, I still experienced the wrath of one "bad egg."
I cannot stress enough the importance of keeping financial issues and personality types in mind when selecting bridesmaids. Even if a certain person is the most fun-loving, entertaining friend you have, it doesn't mean they are suitable as a bridesmaid. More than ever, you must choose to surround yourself with friends who are positive-minded, willing to adapt, wish you well and are not likely to be flooded with feelings of envy or resentment.
In an effort to reduce drama and conflict in the days leading up to my wedding, I catered too greatly to one unhappy, impossible-to-please person. This distracted me from not only my own peace of mind, but also the needs and feelings of those who were the most helpful and supportive of me. Be mindful of this! Do not allow any one difficult person or event to cast a dark cloud over this incredibly special time in your life. Relish in the love of those holding you up!
3. Allow This Time To Be A Celebration Of Your Personality and Style.
This applies to all of your pre-wedding festivities as well as the planning of your ceremony. It is perfectly acceptable to be unconventional. You don't even have to wear white if you honestly do not want to. Who says you have to?
My long fascination with the glamour and style of the 1940s naturally led me to desiring a wedding which would allow me to immerse myself in the celebration of such era. I desired for my wedding invitation to reflect the 1940s theme as well. A photographer I had worked with prior took our engagement photos, and my husband and I designed the invitation ourselves. We opted for our invitation to resemble that of an actual 1940's movie poster. It was not conventional, nor did we receive everyone's approval, however we have never regretted it. I smile each time I think of my invitation. In fact, we now have an actual poster-size print on a wall in our home. So, be yourself. You will never regret being yourself.
4. Do Not Become Consumed By People-Pleasing.
Excessive people-pleasing will only lead to resentment later on. It is inevitable that someone is going to perceive you as being too something. Pleasing one person often means displeasing another, simply by default. Pleasing one family member often means offending another. Respect all parties involved, but do not betray yourself or your partner in an effort to please anyone else.
5. Document Your Most Memorable Moments During This Time.
Document all of the hilarious setbacks and minor catastrophes. Document the moments which are the most happy, the most dramatic and even most bizarre. Someday you will long to revisit them. You are writing the stories you will one day share with your grandchildren, so do not allow them to escape from your memory.
One of my warmest and most comical memories, which seemed quite tragic at the time, is as follows:
I chose to have my dress custom made by a seamstress who lived in another city. Coincidently, my seamstress became pregnant shortly after I placed my dress order. She developed a great deal of sickness as a result of her pregnancy, resulting in delays in the construction of my dress. My dress arrived six days prior to my wedding. Yes, six days. Upon opening the package, I gasped in awe of how breathtaking and dazzling the dress appeared in my hands. I was momentarily transported to a realm where only fairytales exist and love songs can be heard. Sadly, though, the music was abruptly followed by a deafening silence when I realized one dreadfully unfortunate fact: The dress in my hands appeared to have been fitted for a prepubescent girl.
Despite my increasing hysteria, I decided to throw caution to the wind by boldly stepping into the dress and attempting to pull it over my hips. I had to see this majestic dress on my body regardless of it being two sizes too small. I stood in my full-length mirror, reluctantly concluding that I looked more like a deformed cartoon character than a bride. In a matter of moments, I found myself in the midst of a full-blown panic attack when I realized I was... trapped. It was strangling me and, no, it was not coming off. Okay, I'll gently pull it down over my hips, I thought. Nope, not happening. Fine, I'll lift it over my head, I told myself. Uh oh, even worse. I had never had such cleavage. I may or may not have dislocated my shoulder in the process of my desperate efforts.
I was more Lucille Ball than Lucille Ball in all of her glory. I likely looked like an awkward chicken pacing the floor in my living room, beads of sweat developing in places I had never sweat before, as my mother-in-law-to-be frantically drove 30 miles to come to my rescue. After ten minutes of her tugging and my praying, she released me from captivity as I experienced the gratifying sensation of the dressing sliding into absence from my body. My chains were gone. I was relieved and grateful to know I didn't have to die of wedding dress strangulation. She was like my personal Wonder Woman. The summary of her recount was as follows: "It was like peeling the skin off of a hotdog." Good times.
6. Be Respectful Of The Fact That There Are Others Emotionally-Invested In Your Wedding, However Remember This Is Your Day.
There will be family members and friends with expectations. Please be respectful of their feelings, but remember this is your day. If you and your groom wish to write your vows a certain way, do it. If you wish to get married on a mountain, on a rock or in a treehouse, you should do that. Just remember: There is always a respectful and loving way to assert yourself.
7. Have A Blast At Your Bachelorette Party And Do Not Worry About His.
In the weeks and days leading up to my bachelorette party, almost every time I told any woman of any age that my (then) fiance and I were having our parties on the same night, I received the same question: "Are his friends taking him to the strip club?" I likely had 20, or perhaps more, women ask me such question. No offense, but the worst thing you can do is listen to a bitter and untrusting person's opinion. Fear-provoking "what ifs" from others will often poison your mind, and they are seldom accurate. Nothing good comes from fearing the absolute worst. So, please trust me on something: Relax. Focus solely on creating unforgettable memories with your girlfriends.
8. Refuse To Play The Comparison Game.
Stop comparing your engagement party, bridal shower, bra size, venue, guest list, etc., to that of every other bride in your social circle. Comparison is the ultimate waste of time and productivity. This is your wedding.
9. "So What!" Is An Appropriate Response The Majority Of The Time. Period.
So your guest list is half of the size of your best friend's cousin's neighbor? Cool. So what. So your cake is valued at half as much, too? So what. So you didn't have the most grandiose, media-worthy engagement party of the century? Perhaps no one rolled out the red carpet for you, the potatoes were subpar, your armpit sweat is visible in half of your Instagram photos and there were far too many awkward silences throughout the evening. Did the world end? Are you still engaged? Okay, then so what.
Everything cannot be perfect, and you must make peace with this. All panic attacks are unnecessary, for you will never get every last crevice and crumb to align perfectly.
10. Remember: This Is Real Life. There Are No Fairytales.
Allow yourself to enjoy every romantic moment, however do not romanticize this time to such a degree that you develop unrealistic expectations.
You do not need doves flying above your head in order to prove that someone loves you. Enjoy the process and relish in the day, but remember: This is about choosing to love another person for life; not some idealized fairytale which doesn't actually exist.
11. It Is A Big Deal To Be Asked To Become Someone's Wife, So Relish In That Fact. Be In Awe of It, Even.
If someone asks you to be their wife, it likely means they see something in you that they do not see in anyone else. Hold this tightly to your heart and remember the real reason for all of the fuss. Soon you will no longer be a "bride-to-be." Soon you will be someone's wife. How special is that? So, cease all complaining and immerse yourself into a mindset of celebrating.
12. It's Not About the Wedding, Anyway. It's About the Marriage You Are Entering.
Every bit of this fuss, expense and planning is about the love between the two of you. Do not become so distracted by the wedding that you forget the importance of preparing for a marriage. You are preparing to commit your life to another person. When you find yourself consumed by the details of the wedding, simply remember that all of this is about one solitary thing: The marriage you are entering.
Read the original and extended version of this article, the first of a three-part series, by Lacey Johnson on The Daily Doll.