Does your town have a mall? Do you have a sneaking suspicion that it’s on a downhill slide? We have a handy little list here to help you know for sure:
13. It’s the weekend. The mall is open. And this is the parking lot.
12. The entrance appears foreboding, a yawning abyss awaiting you and anyone else who dare visit the Sears within.
11. There’s a guy selling swords and laser pointers in the same store.
Other stores will come and go. But swords and laser pointers are forever. Like the diamonds in the jewelry stores that are no longer here.
10. You see signs of the world that once was. Pac… Sun?
9. You can navigate a third of the mall without seeing an open store.
Also: If you hear children’s laughter emanating from the dark corners of the mall ― which you will.
8. You see an abandoned store that was converted to a church… that has also been abandoned.
The power of Christ compelled them... to new digs! Boom! Take that, struggling businesses.
7. Some stores escape. Others are not so lucky...
6. They still have a place for kids… to disappear without a trace.
5. Hey, where did you go to college? By the Dillard’s? Me too!
4. All that remains of the food court are the bygone signs of the long extinct maintenance crew.
3. The fabulous ‘90s carpeting mysteriously vanishes.
2. Hey, look guys, a teen hotspot! For teens!
Hey, look guys! The teen hot spot has... German military paraphernalia…?
1. It looks like someone is living in one of the stores…
I think I found him. But seriously, if you disturb his final resting place, you’ll suffer the same curse that brought down the Sbarro.
How did your mall do?!
One to two things apply: Not looking good.
Three to four things apply: Someone is going to try and stab you in the parking lot.
Five or more things apply: Seriously, was that a Halloween costume or did I photograph a dead guy?