Your late 20s are full of panic. At 20, you panic that your fake ID won’t work when trying to get into a bar. At 21, you panic because you are about to graduate college. At 22, you panic because you did graduate college. Throughout the rest of your early 20s you panic that you’re about to enter your mid-20s. And then in your mid-20s, you panic that you’re about to enter your late 20s. Then, your late 20s happen and you panic about literally everything in order to put off panicking about the fact that you’re about to turn 30.
Here are 13 things that will give you an anxiety attack right now if you’re in your late 20s because life is terrifying and stuff.
1. Looking at your skin really closely in the mirror.
AHH! Whenever I look at myself closely – or examine a selfie closely – I get confused and swear I used to look better than I currently do. I always blame the lighting, but I think me seeing my mom in the mirror instead of the girl who took glorious selfies even two years ago is a result of me getting OLD. Help.
2. Looking at other people’s skin really closely that are your age in pictures.
“Do I look this old too now,” I ask every time I see a picture of someone my age on social media. I also do this with celebrities. Like have you SEEN Britney Spears on Instagram? She is a middle aged woman. And what about Lindsay Lohan? I saw a picture of her on Instagram and thought it was her mom, but then I remembered moms are really old now and us late 20-somethings are just old. And it’s not that we don’t look GOOD. But my desire to look like Kylie Jenner might never happen because she is 18 and my skin isn’t as clear as hers anymore. DAMNIT YEARS SPENT IN THE SUN AT THE BEACH.
3. The age next to everyone’s names when Facebook shows you birthdays.
When the f*cking f*ck did we all get so old? Even my younger brother is entering his mid-20s. I barely know anyone in their early 20s anymore. And I pretty much know no one in their teens. I now believe you become ‘old’ and ‘out of touch’ when your Facebook newsfeed has no youth on it. This must be why people have kids. To know what’s up. I guess I need to have kids.
4. Your bank statement from the last month.
I SPEND HOW MUCH ON COFFEE, STOP. Seriously my bank statement is like: Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, car payment, Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, rent, Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, phone bill, and it goes on and on like the evil, vicious cycle it is because I spend literally all of my money on coffee and it’s not okay.
5. When you have a wedding coming up, but you also have to pay rent.
NOOOOOO. Last year, I only had three weddings, but they literally drained my bank account – which is fine, they were fun. But this year, I have no weddings and I feel rich as f*ck. I probably should give up coffee when weddings start up again because honestly, I don’t think I can afford both.
6. Having plans on a Friday night.
What were you thinking when you got yourself into this mess? I ask myself this every Friday when all I went to do after 5 pm is order pizza and watch Netflix until I pass out on the couch. I also swear I used to be fun you guys. I swear.
7. Picking out what to wear for a ‘night out.’
BUT THIS CLOSET ONLY HAS WORK CLOTHES. I don’t own ‘going out’ clothes anymore. I mean, where would I even get them? I have some nice dresses that I have nowhere to wear, and one top that I wear with a different necklace every time I go out. I also have leather leggings that are my go-to ‘drinking pants,’ but am I one day going to be too old to wear those because then what? I guess I just won’t go out anymore at that point (unless I can wear a dress) and therefore will not wear pants ever because I’ll just be either naked or in yoga pants which both sound good to me.
8. Your birthday.
Birthdays used to be fun until they became a day when you were just getting older and your skin was getting worse. I also feel too old to rage at a crowded, cheap bar like I used to — yet I still don’t have enough money to ball out somewhere more ‘grown-up’ and therefore ‘more expensive’ so WTF am I supposed to do?
9. Coming up with good excuses to get out of drinks with co-workers.
There are honestly only so many excuses you can use before everyone just starts hating you. But honestly – how are you supposed to balance your friends, maybe a significant other, your family, and your Netflix account if you now have another batch of people trying to befriend you? Life is hard.
10. Looking at homes to buy online.
Why does everything cost so much and how will I ever afford it? I don’t think I ever will, which sucks because I always wanted to be, like, rich.
11. Hearing how much money people on spend on their weddings.
And honeymoons. Where do people get all of this money? I don’t even have enough money to buy a home, and I couldn’t imagine spending money I could spend on a home (or on my own business… or on my future children… or on a Chanel bag) on a wedding or a vacation. I just don’t understand. So if someone could explain this logic to me, that would be great, k thanks.
12. Thinking about how you’re going to save enough money to raise a child.
Or multiple children. Even if I was to sit inside for the next 10 years staring at the wall doing nothing, I probably would still not have enough money to give child everything he/she wants and then some. This is probably because I would get Starbucks delivery five times a day. WOMP WOMP.
13. Realizing you aren’t where you thought you’d be at your age.
Right now I am sitting at my messy desk in yoga pants debating if I should spend money on coffee today. I’m 28. Years ago, I thought I would be married with kids at 28. And if not, I at least thought I’d have way more money and responsibilities than I do now. But times have changed. Perhaps 28 is the next 18? No?