COMEDY
03/14/2017 05:57 pm ET Updated Mar 15, 2017

16 Tips For Surviving A Winter Storm With Or Without Your Humanity

It's not the end of the world ... ish!

It’s Snowmageddon 2017! And that means you may be unprepared for the hardships that these types of storms bring. Well, we here at HuffPost Meteorology And Comedy have a few tips to make your storm experience more bearable.

  • Don’t panic. Panicking wastes necessary energy that will be needed to outrun the roving packs of wolves.
  • Plan your upcoming schedule as though any upcoming flights will be canceled. In fact, try to approach life like there is no escape.
  • Layers are very important. Bury your feelings two to three levels deep at all times. Don’t let strangers into your home, but more importantly, don’t let them into here ...
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  • Stock up on bottled water and batteries. A hard thrown battery to the face will stop most intruders from stealing your water.
  • Candles are a must-have in any type of storm. If you want this storm to go away, it’s going to require a proper ceremonial offering to the dark sky spirits who you’ve offended in some way. And that requires candles.
  • Make sure elderly neighbors are OK. They’ll probably want someone to talk to, so wear earmuffs and you can pretend not to hear them.
  • Minimize your travel. Travel only if absolutely necessary. And in such a case, it’s always best to ask everyone what type of liquor they prefer.
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  • Avoid overexerting yourself when shoveling. Instead, focus on overacting. Pretend to be overexerted, so that friends or family will do the work for you.
  • Wear gloves outside. And generally at all times. Fingerprints can make the next 5 to 10 years of your life a real bummer.
  • Salt your driveways and sidewalks to melt any ice. Sprinkle a little on your significant other if your relationship isn’t going well. And when they ask what you’re doing, say, “Oh, sorry, your heart must be made of stone, not ice.”
  • Sand on driveways and sidewalks can improve traction. Ask relatives from warm weather climates to send you sand. If they jokingly ask you to send them some snow in return, politely tell them to f**k off.
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  • Board games can keep a group occupied while stuck inside. Games are also the best way to determine the strongest and weakest of the group. This makes things much easier when food runs out and someone must be eaten.
  • If someone must be eaten, why not make that a game, too?! A lack of humanity doesn’t mean a lack of fun!
  • Books are a great way to pass the time. Print out some of your “Bachelor” or “Bachelorette” TV fan fiction for your friends and family to read. With nowhere to turn and claustrophobia setting in, this is an ideal opportunity to get brutally honest feedback on your work.
  • You may not have internet, so write out a list of people you will miss trolling today so that you can troll them at a later date.
  • Flashlights are a necessary item for any home during bad weather. If you don’t have a flashlight, a quick internet search will  show you some of the best and most affordable options. Pro tip: It’s spelled F-L-A-S-H-L-I-G-H-T. Very important. 
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