COMEDY
01/05/2016 02:47 pm ET

2016 New Year's Resolutions For Lazy People

It's time to adjust your goals to your inactive lifestyle.

New Year's resolutions are tricky. The problem is usually in the ambitious wording of your resolution. You have to think like a lawyer. It's all in the language.

"I'm going to be nicer to people." With the Internet, you can be nice from the comfort and safety of your bedroom. And you don't have to mean it. "Your baby's so cute!" See, it's easy!

"I'm going to watch my weight." Whelp, I'm watching it. Still rising.

There it is.
solidcolours via Getty Images
There it is.

"I'm going to eat healthier." One Big Mac on New Year's day is healthier than the two I ate New Year's Eve. Boom, hello, new me!

"I'm going to spend more time thinking of others." Until they can get in your head and read your thoughts, this resolution is as good as completed.

"I'm gonna look at more art." Art is one of the ultimate lazy person's pastimes. Not only is it simply pointing your eyeballs at something, you're also not required to understand anything. It's all about what you feel, and that includes feeling lazy.

Lazy. And educational, probably!
Ingolf Pompe / LOOK-foto via Getty Images
Lazy. And educational, probably!

"I'm going to get more sleep." LOL!

"I'm going to get more involved in my community." Sounds daunting, right? Ever picked up litter? Well, that counts. At the very least, post a photo of the litter on Instagram with a message railing against litterers. People will assume you picked it up. You didn't, of course.

"I'm going to appreciate my significant other more." Do you have a phone? Do you have the number of a florist? Your job is done here. 

Aww, so cute. So lazy.
Dynamic Graphics via Getty Images
Aww, so cute. So lazy.

"I'm going to donate more to charity." Next time you swipe your card at a store and it gives you the option to donate a dollar to a charity, go ahead and hit that button on the touchpad. When it naturally doesn't register, hit it repeatedly, before finally giving up and using that tethered stylus. You're like the Millennial Mother Teresa.

"I'm going to exercise more." This one is perhaps the trickiest. Exercise, by its very nature, is not lazy. But have you heard the saying, "It take more muscles to frown than to smile"? Meaning smiling is easier. But in this case, you're trying to burn calories, so frown constantly, and watch the fat melt off! While you're at it, maybe throw in a few tears and get rid of that excess water weight!

You're ready for beach season!
Andreas Kuehn via Getty Images
You're ready for beach season!

Warning: Changes may result in the inability to easily recognize the beautiful, accomplished new you in mirrors, darkened windows, deep ponds or other reflective surfaces. Don't be afraid.

 

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