Dear straight guys, we need to talk.
As a gay man, I’ve had the privilege of playing the role of gay best friend on several occasions along side some exceptionally smart, funny and beautiful women. As a result, I’ve had the opportunity to listen to their stories, wipe their tears and laugh at the poorly composed dick pics you’ve sent them.
But really, I’ve read your boring texts, heard about your awful dating conversation and listened to countless stories about how bad you are in bed.
You see, gay men and straight women have an unbreakable bond — gay men aren’t interested in dating women and we don’t compete with them for dates (most of the time). Thus, women typically feel a certain level of comfort around us and seek our counsel on relationships and dating. So I’m going to gay it forward and share a bit of intel with you.
1. Be creative with your texts and dating-app messages.
After you “match” with a woman on Tinder or Bumble or whatever, that first message is make or break. Do not hit her up with a “Hey! How’s it going?” Every other boring guy already asked. Do you know how she responds to that? She sighs and rolls her eyes. I’ve seen it myself. Get creative. No, that does not mean asking her about the weather. Find something in her profile and ask her a thoughtful question about it. If she mentions she likes pizza, suggest the pizza place you want to take her to on your first date. If you’ve gone on a date and want to text her the next day, don’t bore her with silly questions like “How’s your day?” and “How was work?” Chances are work sucked and she’s looking forward to doing something fun...hopefully with you. Recall something you’ve discussed before (to show you’re a good listener) and turn it into an activity. For instance, if she mentioned she likes rooftop bars, find a romantic rooftop in the city and ask her if she’s ever been. Try to minimize back-and-forth texts. Suggest a date, time and location upfront and let her react to it. Every communication between the two of you should move things along not keep you talking in circles for hours and days.
2. Spend more time being interested, not interesting.
She agrees to go on a date with you. Great. Now, unless you’re a doctor, put your phone away. Put it in your pocket. Don’t look at it once. What do you talk about? Her. Pick topics from her dating profile and ask her to color in the details. This shows her that you want to get to know her better and that you’re attentive. Pick a current event and get her opinion on it. Did the Grammys or the Oscars just air? Ask her about the last album she listened to from start to finish or to name the movie she could watch over and over again. Ask her which actress would play her in her biopic. Use her responses as a way to compliment her and get to know more about her. Now your compliments aren’t empty and stale. There are many ways to get to know someone without it feeling like a job interview over drinks. And if you’re out with a beautiful woman, chances are she has been on many other dates before yours and is hungry for someone who won’t bore her to tears with the same basic ass questions.
3. Speaking of job interviews, leave your resume at home.
Talking about work is inevitable and there’s nothing wrong with it, but use it as a way to learn more about her interests and passions and for her to learn about yours. Name dropping is unimpressive. Discussing your big bonus is off-putting. Complaining about how much you hate your job is annoying and not a good use of her time. She did not shave her legs, wash her hair and skip This Is Us to listen to you rattle off a bunch of nonsense. She has better things to do. Again, impress her by asking meaningful and creative questions to show her that you want to get to know her.
4. Don’t send her a drink.
Let’s say you’re out with some friends at a bar and you spot a woman you’d like to talk to, but she’s with her friends. You have a few options. You can creepily stare at her from across the room like a loser. You can send your buddy over to say “hello” for you like a loser. You can send her a drink that she won’t drink because doesn’t know what’s in it...like a loser. Or you can walk up to her, introduce yourself and say something like, “I’m sorry to be so forward, but I’ve been staring at you all night and just had to come say ‘hello.” This gives you instant brownie points for being bold as fuck. So unless you look like Ted Cruz, you have her attention and she’s intrigued. Guys don’t do this anymore. Dr. Anna Akbari discusses this boldness in her book, “Startup Your Life: Hustle and Hack Your Way to Happiness.” Once upon a time, people had no other choice but to engage in face-to-face interactions. Now, it seems odd and unnatural. Use this to your advantage. Be bold and brave and impress her by simply approaching her. Even if she politely declines, know that she’ll be flattered that you decided to talk to her.
5. When it comes to sex, you have to rub her the right away.
Sex is a tricky subject for heteros. There are so many societal norms and expectations on straight men and women that often times it’s hard to be honest about what you want without fear. Many women I know want sex and sometimes want it on the first date, but they are concerned with how you’ll view them among other things. They can tell if sex is all you’re after and it makes you come across as slimy and gross. So you need to be wise. First, let’s be crystal clear — whatever the woman wants to do is her choice. Period. Full stop. I shouldn’t have to even say that, but here we are. Second, if you’re looking to “hook up” with your date, sending a dick pic isn’t the way to go. She’s not a gay man, so she’s not going to get lady wood from seeing your penis along side a Time Warner cable remote or a can of Four Loko. The bottom line is if you take her out, show her a good time and treat her like a human being rather than a piece of meat, she may give you the signal that she wants to extend the night. Don’t pressure her. Follow her lead. Use your best judgement here because this is where my level of expertise stops. I have no idea what women have down there or how it operates. I drive a stick.