Tired of having no luck in love? Sick of getting matches that lead nowhere? Here are some surefire ways to boost your dating app aptitude.
Put as many people in each photo as you can
Group photos are definitive proof that you have friends, which makes you look cooler and more desirable. Showing exclusively large groups of people in your photos will trick the dope viewing your profile into thinking you're mega popular and by the time they realize you're not, it's too late, you're married with a bunch of dumb kids!
Mention your parents as much as humanly possible
Talk about your parents, immediately and constantly; it shows your devotion to family and that you're a person of strong moral fiber. Also, bonus: It makes them think about parenthood, AKA what makes people parents, AKA sex, ergo they get mega horny
Try to chat using exclusively emoji's
Emoji's are a playful and hip way of saying "Mom's still got it *high five/wink*". It shows your suitor that you're fun and wildly hip. Answering questions with "words" will make you look like a square!
Direct all conversation and photos towards your kids, whether you have children or not
Displaying your kids and steering every conversation toward them is a BIG power move. Kids are living proof of your virility, that your insides aren't broken. Also they're a subtle way of telling whoever you're talking to that you've totally gone all the way before.
Ask for nudes right upfront
Look we're all animals and denying that kind of makes you a liar. Also you want to know if who you're talking to is worth your time, so ask. If anything they'll respect your moxie and appreciate how responsible a consumer you are.
