You know what they say: “All close-minded things must come to an end.” Or, wait, is it, “Don’t cry because it’s over, be a more tolerant country because it happened.” Hmm either way, Conservative political commentator and walking white privilege advertisement, Tomi Lahren, has been temporarily suspended from The Blaze.
Why? It can be traced to her recent appearance on The View, where she shared pro-choice comments (good, I’m actually happy about the stance she took) regarding abortion. “I am a constitutional, you know, someone that loves the Constitution. I’m someone that’s for limited government” she proclaimed. Apparently that was enough for The Blaze staff. While Lahren attempted to defend herself via Twitter, in the end it just wasn’t enough — kind of like my patience for her videos.
@Tomi, I feel for you. I really do.
One time in 3rd grade I got kicked out of class because I stole someone’s Oreos during “Heads up 7 up.” I’ve never been the same. It’s never fun to be in trouble, and while we don’t know what your future will hold, I’m here for you. I want to be a shoulder you can spew hate on. Sure, we’ve had our disagreements. You, with your implicit and explicit racism, me with my... I don’t know, but you probably wouldn’t like me.
Luckily, I’ve grown up. The past is in the past. I’m more mature now than I was a couple months ago. I make my own dentist appointments and the other day I went out and only had two drinks. What I’m trying to say is, I know you’re going through a tough time and I’m here to support you.
Let’s find you a temporary job. Here are a few ideas.
1) Find Carmen Sandiego
Seriously, where is she? I feel like this has been one of the biggest mysteries in my life and you could be the one to solve it. I effin loved that computer game. A lot of people don’t have time to trace her down because of jobs and things. But now that you’re free, you’re in an incredible position. The world deserves to know where she is. I’ll tell you where she’s not: The White House. That information would have leaked by now.
2) Star in a Modern Monsters Inc. Movie
Okay okay, hear me out on this one. A live-action Monsters Inc. with a modern twist. Dare I say on ice? Yeah, F it, let’s make it on ice, too. It stars you, Donald Trump, Kellyanne Conway, and my ex from middle school who is afraid of gummy bears. Like come on pick something different to be afraid of. Anyways, it’s kind of like the other movies but you have to try not to terrify people. Good luck!
3) A Bill Nye Spin-Off!
Pretty excited about this one tbh. It’s a Billy Nye spin-off called “Tomi L the Privileged Gal.” I’m talking action figures, posters, a Simon and Schuster book deal (don’t worry they’ll drop it later), etc. Series plot: you basically just do what you’re doing now only use even less science and factual evidence to defend your arguments, if that’s even possible. “Tomi, Tomi, Tomi!”
4) Literal Wake Up alarm
If you’re anything like me then you have trouble waking up in the morning. Well, am I your math teacher because I’m about to give you the solution. It’s simple. Be the voice of wake up alarms everywhere. Listen, I won’t get out of bed for my peaceful, calming harmonious Apple alarm. But you know what I will get out of bed for? Someone with a growing platform promoting intolerance and ignorance. If I wake up hearing your episode about Colin Kaepernick I’ll get out of bed so fucking fast. Fuck, I may even run for president.
5) Newest Cereal Mascot
You’re the next Tony the Tiger. I can see it now, “Tomi the Terrible Tantrum Thrower.” I imagine the cereal would kind of taste like Corn Flakes, but worse. We can call them Snow Flakes, I guess. Idc. I’m here to work with you. I’ll reach out to General Mills.