5 Things You're Doing 100 Percent Totally Exactly Right

Do I really need to know the biggest mistake I’m making with scrambled eggs? Because there are 16 wrong things I am doing according to something I just read.
05/11/2017 11:42 pm ET Updated May 12, 2017

The following are headlines of stories I’ve come across lately while perusing my friend the internet, as I sip my morning coffee and attempt to begin my day.

“25 Things You’re Doing Wrong at the Grocery Store!”

“All Your Life, You’ve Been Packing Your Suitcase Wrong!”

“10 Everyday Things You’re Doing Wrong in the Shower!”

Sigh.

I don’t know about you but I’m getting a little tired hearing about how I’m doing everything wrong, because believe me... I put enough pressure on myself. We all do.

Do I really need to know the biggest mistake I’m making with scrambled eggs? Because there are 16 wrong things I am doing according to something I just read. 16. If I can’t make scrambled eggs right, I probably can’t do anything right. Right? Maybe I’m just doing everything WRONG.

I’m not. And neither are you.

Here are 5 things you’re probably doing right.

You Went to the Grocery Store.

I can’t believe there are 25 things to do at the grocery store... let alone 25 things I could be doing wrong while I’m there. Let’s focus on what you’re doing right:

A) You got in the car.

B) You drove to the grocery store.

C) You bought food.

Basically you did a great job, because you now have food that you can put in your mouth and eat. Yay, you!

You Went to the Gym/Exercised.

I don’t care if you half-assed it on the elliptical or if you went for a wog (my signature walk-jog combo) when you said you were going for a run or maybe you took the dog around the block — you got up off the couch and and you moved your body. And that is better than sitting in front of the television watching “Judge Judy” while eating a box of Wheat Thins. Right? You’re doing great and I am impressed.

You Cleaned Your House.

Guys, I’m sorry if I’m not using an old toothbrush to clean the grout in the bathroom and you find it upsetting. I really am. And the fact that I’ve been cleaning my cheese grater all wrong is deplorable (yes, there was a paragraph on how you’re cleaning your cheese grater wrong. Do you see why I’m upset?) If you ran the vacuum today you are winning. If you took one of those Clorox Toilet Wands and scrubbed your toilet you’re one of the best people I know. And please don’t worry that you are “cleaning” your kitchen sponge wrong. Just buy a new sponge. They’re like 79 cents. Oh for the love of God I will buy you a sponge.

You Ate Pizza.

I am going to say this one time — pizza is the best thing in the world and it is meant to be eaten. You cannot write a list and tell me I’m doing it wrong...you just can’t. Again, let me reiterate there is no wrong way to do this. End of story.

You Slept.

“12 Ways You’re Sleeping Wrong.” “18 Ways You’re Sleeping Wrong.” “27 Ways You’re Sleeping Wrong.” If you slept, in my eyes you are a true champion. Bonus points if you got that elusive thing called a nap. If you want to sleep in on the weekends, on your stomach, with your pet (apparently that’s wrong) you abuse the snooze button, you use twelve pillows or zero pillows...WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH THAT? I guess the internet does. I say bravo. You slept. I have kids and I’m envious of you. Sleep away!

So you’re doing great. You’re not doing these things wrong.

Most likely you’re also not drinking water, storing butter, brushing your teeth, boiling water or wearing or your Spanx wrong, no matter what they say.

Maybe you are wearing the Spanx wrong and there’s no shame in that.

Those things are a challenge.

Lori’s website, Drawn to the ‘80s, is where her 5-year-old drew the hit songs of the 1980s. Her blog, Once Upon a Product, is where she writes about important things like beauty products and her ongoing Mick Jagger obsession.

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