5 Ways Being 'Nice' Ruins Your Relationship

You let the other person change you.
09/30/2016 12:33 am ET Updated Oct 06, 2016
Jenny Thai Photography

After years of experience in matchmaking and date coaching, I will report that being “nice” is not the most effective way to start a relationship or keep it.

Society has created the negative label of “nice girl” or “nice guy,” with the men suffering more often than the women. It’s a way to describe someone who is inexperienced, shy, and constantly friend-zoned.

Do you align with this description of “nice”? It is not a label you want to keep. You can get yourself out of this label by digging a little deeper internally to find the source.

I was once this person too! I was incredibly shy, awkward, and did not know how to speak to someone attractive. Then, I realized the main problem was me. This was not my natural personality. This was also not what I wanted.

I wanted to be able to be myself without being hit with a load of nerves, I wanted to go on a date with someone I was interested in, and I wanted to be fully confident in my anime-loving nerdy self. So I got out of the “nice” label and into the “good” ― the person I always was but didn’t know how to confidently be.

Once again, you do not want to be stuck with that “nice” label. Here are five ways being “nice” can ruin relationships. You may align with these currently, I know I did.

1. You keep everything bottled up.

  • You don’t vocalize your wants or needs and it’s not natural for you to talk about yourself. So when you feel an emotion, you believe it is better to handle it internally than burden someone else with it. It may seem to be the better choice at the moment, but it only takes one last push to bring you over the edge and then, your emotions will all spill out. You are being dishonest and disingenuous to those around you. Start being more open about your real thoughts and feelings.

2. You care about what others think.

  • You care about how you are perceived to others. You want to make sure you are liked, respected, and known as the person anyone can lean on. But is it effective? No real relationship lasts with someone who keeps catering to the other person. Relationships are a two-way street where you cannot be afraid to vocalize your needs. Now, this doesn’t make it okay to be a jerk. Be authentic with good intentions. A relationship-ready man doesn’t care about what others think of him because he knows exactly who he is and is proud. A relationship-ready woman doesn’t let a man’s view of her change her because she knows exactly who she is. The right people will appreciate you for who you are.

3. You do favors to get it back in return. 

  • You put others before yourself and you do everything for everyone else. Let’s be honest, you do things for a reason. You’re not giving out kind words or giving the gifts “just because.” Deep down, when that person doesn’t reciprocate, you get hurt or irritated. You have a deep desire for this person to like you back, go out with you, or do the same favor for you. This is not healthy. Be honest and do what you want to do. Do not do it in hopes of reciprocation. 

4. You let the other person change you.

  • You start liking the same activities, same music, same books, dress similarly, respond properly, and become the person your partner would like. The problem with this is you’re not being your authentic self and this will catch up with you. You will start to see yourself dragging your feet when you continue to do these activities, your friends tell you how different you are, and you’re not happy. You cannot start a relationship on a false impression. The relationship will fall apart because your partner will eventually see your true self. Stick to your true self from the very beginning! The right people will like you just for that.

5. You’re not aware of your own self.

  • The main component that makes a “nice guy” or “nice girl” is the lack in sense of self. There is so much focus on outside forces that there is little work done internally. People take this for granted and scoff at the idea of emotions and needing to “look within yourself”, but it’s a key component for a long lasting relationship. How would you expect someone to know you if you don’t know yourself? When you’re not aware of your own needs and desires, your partner will be left confused and the relationship will not grow. You’ll naturally default to do what your partner wants…and that is not healthy.

The first step to making sure this doesn’t ruin your relationship is recognizing if you’re “nice.” Please note that I use quotations to refer to society’s definition. Being, by correct definition, nice is always an important quality.

By recognizing, accepting, and being fully aware of how you approach relationships, it will allow you to figure out the next steps of having a long-lasting relationship. 

Don’t be that “nice guy” or “nice girl,” be the “good.” How? Be your most authentic self with good intentions. You will be happy, your partner will be, and your relationship will be solid.

Jenny Thai Photography
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