Trump's Children Apologize to Public for "Dad's Bizarre Behavior"

03/25/2017 09:09 pm ET Updated May 16, 2017

(NOT FAKE NEWS BUT AUTHENTIC SATIRE)

In a statement made public today, Donald Trump’s adult children offered an apology to the American people for “the unseemly and often bizarre conduct of our father in recent weeks.” The statement was issued, they said, to explain Mr. Trump’s odd behavior and to express their confidence that his conduct will improve shortly

“The chief difficulty is that Dad has gotten it into his head that he actually is President,” declared Ivanka Trump, his eldest daughter. “He doesn’t know that the whole thing is a bad dream — hopefully, one that’s certain to end soon.”

What the dickens is going on in Donald Trump’s head?   

His children are attempting to fill in the blanks.

“We’ve been advised by medical specialists not to ‘aggravate’ Dad while he’s in this vulnerable psychological state,” Donald Trump Jr. stated at the press conference where the apology was released. “So now we try to humor him; we play along with his illusion. For instance, I always call him ‘Mister President’ and refer to Melania as the ‘First Lady.’ Ivanka even pretends that she’s got a big, fancy office in the West Wing of the White House. He gets a huge kick out of that.” 

“We expect Dad’s reason to be restored any day now,” Eric Trump said. “And when that happens we’re going to return him to reality as gently as possible. Unfortunately, a lot of real-life, bad stuff has happened while he’s been living a fantasy. The hardest part, I think, will be informing him that he’s bankrupt and that the family is living off money filched from Barron’s trust fund. I’m afraid that might cause a relapse.”

Byron Kennard

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