Former Fox News Star to “Host” Daily White House Briefings
(Not fake news but authentic satire)
In a series of early morning tweets, President Trump announced that he has “reassigned” Sean Spicer, his battle-scarred White House press secretary, and replaced him with Bill O’Reilly, the former Fox News TV host.
“Can’t believe my luck,” the President tweeted. “Most powerful guy in cable news suddenly available for new assignment, and he wants to join my team! PROOF THAT GOD IS ON MY SIDE!”
In other tweets, the President also announced a change in schedule for the White House daily press briefings. Typically, these briefings are held during daytime work hours, but now, with O’Reilly as host, they will be held regularly on weeknights at 8 PM ET.
“POTUS expects cable news stations, like FOX, to continue telecasting press briefings live and in full,” Trump tweeted. “If they want their FCC license renewed.”
For his part, Mr. O’Reilly issued a statement. “I’m happy, of course, to be of help to the President. But, to be honest, what really motivates me is to show the world that weeknights 8 PM ET — the most valuable time-slot on prime time TV — belongs to me and no one else. Who’ll be watching FOX then now? Nobody! Except for maybe those two snotty, dumb-asses, the Murdoch brothers.”
The President’s announcement came the day after O’Reilly was ousted from Fox News following numerous allegations of sexual harassment that prompted the network to end his program, a fact Trump’s tweets did not acknowledge.
When KellyAnne Conway, the usually voluble Counsellor to the President, was asked to comment on this she declined to do so. “I’ll get back to you shortly,” she promised. “But first I’ve got to find some ‘alternative words’ to use in describing my reaction.”
Sean Spicer has not been seen or heard from since his ouster, but according to one usually reliable White House source, the President has reassigned Spicer to the staff of the US Holocaust Museum where he will help handle public relations.