Welcome to the 2017 School of Journalism

06/15/2017 03:06 pm ET

Welcome, students! Our courses have been updated to best prepare you for the current political and social climate. Peruse some of our new offerings below:

Journalism 101: Intro to Writing

  • In addition to teaching new, nonexistent terms like ‘covfefe,’ this course covers the many possibilities that can help you write an article. From flirty little items like commas to more exotic flourishes like hyphens and real facts, this intro covers all the essential fundamentals.

Journalism 201: Self-Defense Against Elected Officials Who May Physically Attack You

  • Twentieth century journalism may have centered on pen and paper, but the twenty-first century is all about typing on keyboards and fending off politicians who answer your legitimate questions with physical force. The pen is mightier than the bodyslam, but it does objectively suck in a fight.

Persuasive Writing: Tips on Pleading with People to Continue Reading After the Title

  • As readers increasingly only skim the titles of articles, it is more important than ever to entice them into reading the whole piece. Our first tip: include the phrase “please read me for it is crucial that you stay informed” in small print between each word!

Succinct Diction: Drafting Punchy Tweets

  • A large part of twenty-first century journalism is conveying your complex, nuanced take in 140 delicious characters. This course is guest taught by visiting lecturer George Takei.

Incorporating Good Quotes: Comforting Aphorisms to Murmur into Your Pillow as You Fall Asleep at Night Because You Have to Compete with Fake News for Clicks and Isn’t that Just Plain Depressing?

  • Required course materials include a fidget spinner and an audiobook of nursery rhymes read in the gentle, soothing voice of Paul Krugman.

A Hero’s Journey: Fighting to Keep Democracy Alive as Everyone Blames You for its Downfall

  • Unfortunately, real life does not perfectly follow Joseph Campbell’s story structure. Do not despair when your narrative arc lacks supportive Mentors, and when your Ordeal phase lasts much, much longer than expected. Like really, miserably long.

Positive Angles: Ways to Recoup After the President Personally Victimizes You in a Horribly Misspelled Tweet

  • Recommended Prerequisite: “How to Publish Your Washington Post - New York Times Fanfiction,” which focuses on how newspapers can support each other to keep journalism alive.

Calm and Unbiased: Ways to Remain Neutral and Dedicated to Truth

  • This course teaches yoga moves like the ‘tree’ pose and ‘this tree died because we withdrew from the Paris Climate Accords’ pose to help maintain your sanity. Recommended reading includes Obama-Biden memes to keep you from succumbing to the depressing news cycle.

Falling With Style: Learn to Properly Operate a Parachute For When President Trump Inevitably Kicks You Off Air Force One

  • The final exam will take place in the sky. You will receive your grade if/when you land consciously on the ground. Note: this course is required to earn your degree.
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