The Longing Epidemic (part ii): The Cure for Longing

07/15/2017 05:26 pm ET Updated Jul 15, 2017
Photo: Sam Pelly

I blogged previously about the experience of projecting my deep rooted sense of longing, (spurned by early trauma and carried dormant into womanhood), as an intense, all encompassing infatuation with Jamie Catto. Luckily for me I was supported skillfully by Jamie, who helped turn this around in a way that enabled me to actually release a great deal of this old, painful pattern. Catto's strategy was the exact opposite of the one I'd clung onto my entire life. Instead of denying and hiding strong, seemingly inappropriate feelings, he encouraged me to go right into them and let them E X P A N D. We were in touch over several months, throughout which he consistently gave his affectionate presence. He was absolutely bombproof in his ability to be present without buying into any of the drama, taking any of it personally or judging me. He kept holding my wholeness and innocence and returning my power to me. It was an entirely generous act, which he offered as a friend. That someone would do that for me allowed me to feel my own worth and break through a thick fog of shame. We spoke frequently over a few months and these are some snippets of our conversations:

[14/05/2015 19:36:59] Roma Norriss: btw I have a question, the intense eye contact thing, do you do that with all women you sense have issues to heal, like... as a gift? Or is it that you just like to feel intimate with folks? Or do you get off on women falling about round yer ankles?

[14/05/2015 19:39:39] Jamie Catto: that's a few questions

[14/05/2015 19:40:01] Roma Norriss: yes. the one question would be what's your deal dude?

[14/05/2015 19:50:02] Jamie Catto: when someone is looking at me i don't look away

[14/05/2015 19:50:13] Jamie Catto: no agenda

[14/05/2015 19:50:16] Jamie Catto: they want to connect

[14/05/2015 19:50:19] Jamie Catto: i am available

[14/05/2015 19:50:25] Jamie Catto: it doesn't feel like a 'thing'

[14/05/2015 20:01:05] Roma Norriss: I dunno I make prolonged eye contact with people every day. But there's something about the way you 'see' that brought up a lot in me and I know others too. And you know that right?

[14/05/2015 21:32:33] Jamie Catto: (nod)

[14/05/2015 21:57:10] Roma Norriss: ok so my first guess is right? you offer your presence as a gift to bring up stuff for folks/women?

[14/05/2015 23:36:44] Jamie Catto: yes

[14/05/2015 23:36:45] Jamie Catto: ish

[14/05/2015 23:36:51] Jamie Catto: I be available

[14/05/2015 23:36:57] Roma Norriss: what does that mean?

[14/05/2015 23:37:02] Jamie Catto: for when their openness needs to be fully met with the safety of no flirtation agenda or power stuff

[14/05/2015 23:37:14] Roma Norriss: you're just there? if they wanna kiss you they can?

[14/05/2015 23:37:18] Jamie Catto: no they can't kiss me. the intensity of the energy of just eye contact when FULLY connected moves a lot of stuff, can be very stirring and when held is a catalyst for self love, permission for self love, because i love that person fully with no agenda, anything left is the resistance, the map of the wound.

[14/05/2015 23:38:41] Roma Norriss: fuckin worked for me :-)

[14/05/2015 23:39:27] Jamie Catto: (chuckle)

[14/05/2015 23:39:32] Roma Norriss: but what about all those women who aren't as switched on as this warrior and are just projecting all this adoration on you. You're happy to receive that right?

[14/05/2015 23:39:37] Jamie Catto: yes

[14/05/2015 23:39:52] Roma Norriss: ha ha what's that about, that's the part that feels a bit off if you don't mind me saying

[14/05/2015 23:39:48] Jamie Catto: just not eat it (and them)

[14/05/2015 23:40:10] Jamie Catto: stage one can be person A feels amazing and projects it on person B

[14/05/2015 23:40:30] Jamie Catto: this is a natural stage one

[14/05/2015 23:40:34] Jamie Catto: stage 2: if in balance and healthy, person B sees them doing it, doesn't feed it or meet them that way and encourages person A to experience their energy as THEIRS and the loved up thing gets re-ingested back where it belongs in person A. The unhealthy thing that can happen, is when person B digs the loved up mirror so much and thinks it's personal (which it almost always isn't) and instead of channeling it back in person A they yum it up

[14/05/2015 23:47:45] Roma Norriss: I really appreciate you explaining this thanks

[27/07/2015 20:31:47] Roma Norriss: Um ok I need to skype with you sometime when you are feeling unhurried... could be when you are home

[27/07/2015 20:37:57] Jamie Catto: Ok

[27/07/2015 20:40:09] Roma Norriss: fuck why do I keep doing all these scary things?

[27/07/2015 20:40:25] Jamie Catto: if it's not scary it's not brave

At this point we chatted on Skype and I explained that the feelings coming up towards him were so intense and disturbing that I'd been considering cutting our connection and trying to move on. I realised however that I would be more powerful to ask if he could offer more of the presence that had brought this wound up to be healed in the first place. I became regressed to a very young place when attempting to ask him and he held it all with such compassion, suggesting the first step was that I let go of the sexual fantasy. He described that I was powering up and using him as catalyst and that the eventual result would be me redirecting all that energy back to myself.

[03/08/2015 00:15:24] Jamie Catto: improvement?

[03/08/2015 00:35:54] Roma Norriss:... um don't think so. The sexual element has shifted, not feeling that really at all. The teenage crush character has died (for now at least?). But intense longing. Like Friday I was mentally unhinged. I kept thinking of you the whole day. It's fucking disturbing, I'm feeling desperate for it to shift. And I get emotionally violent towards myself, a lot of shame for being such a loser.

[03/08/2015 00:36:46] Jamie Catto: well that is great improvement, the crush and the sex going is huge

[03/08/2015 00:36:58] Roma Norriss: yeah?

[03/08/2015 00:37:03] Jamie Catto: and as a friend, you are actually allowed to reach out when you want

[03/08/2015 00:37:18] Jamie Catto: don't have to abstain all the time

[03/08/2015 00:37:27] Jamie Catto: I would drop into what's holding you back, if anything

[03/08/2015 00:37:31] Jamie Catto: a lack of permission

[03/08/2015 00:37:52] Roma Norriss: aw bless you, I just don't want to keep bothering you

[03/08/2015 00:37:59] Jamie Catto: go deeper

[03/08/2015 00:38:08] Jamie Catto: I'm a big boy, can set my own boundaries

[03/08/2015 00:38:11] Jamie Catto: what is it really?

[03/08/2015 00:41:20] Roma Norriss: so many things

[03/08/2015 00:41:27] Jamie Catto: well here we are

[03/08/2015 00:42:35] Roma Norriss: scary to be so needy, scared that will push you away or make you angry

[03/08/2015 00:43:10] Jamie Catto: what if that was never going to happen, then what's the fear?

[03/08/2015 00:45:55] Roma Norriss: not sure, just doesn't feel ok

[03/08/2015 00:46:11] Jamie Catto: ok

[03/08/2015 00:46:22] Jamie Catto: there's a clue here

[03/08/2015 00:47:02] Roma Norriss: i guess i'm also confused whether it's more helpful to reach out when feeling psychotic like that or to be with it myself

[03/08/2015 00:47:40] Jamie Catto: uh huh

[03/08/2015 00:47:45] Jamie Catto: yes, good to ask oneself

[03/08/2015 00:47:50] Jamie Catto: cool that you have that consciousness

[03/08/2015 00:49:07] Roma Norriss: but yeah there was a definite holding back

[03/08/2015 00:49:47] Jamie Catto: ok, I'd try dropping that, see what happens, can always revert

[03/08/2015 00:50:18] Roma Norriss: ha you don't know what you are letting yourself in for

[03/08/2015 00:50:34] Jamie Catto: pfft

[03/08/2015 00:50:41] Jamie Catto: you're a lightweight

[03/08/2015 00:50:46] Jamie Catto: don't make me laugh

[03/08/2015 00:53:04] Roma Norriss: so you think go with any impulses to contact you for say the next few days?

[03/08/2015 00:53:06] Jamie Catto: sure thing

[03/08/2015 11:09:47] Roma Norriss: Just FYI I would have contacted you like 6 times already if I hadn't been asleep or busy with kiddos :-)

[03/08/2015 12:03:11] Jamie Catto: Cool

[03/08/2015 12:05:31] Roma Norriss: Yep... While... A S L E E P I needed to call ya.

[03/08/2015 18:13:57] Roma Norriss: Hi

[03/08/2015 18:14:23] Jamie Catto: fuck it's insanely beautiful here

[03/08/2015 18:14:32] Roma Norriss: Intense today, trying to make sure I'm not holding back

[03/08/2015 18:14:45] Jamie Catto: interesting process

[03/08/2015 18:14:56] Jamie Catto: only letting it be total can it move through

[03/08/2015 18:15:45] Roma Norriss: Good one, the invitation brought it all up

[03/08/2015 18:15:47] Jamie Catto: reclaiming your power

[03/08/2015 18:18:17] Roma Norriss: I think the holding back thing runs so deep

[03/08/2015 18:18:27] Jamie Catto: yes fo sho

[03/08/2015 18:18:42] Roma Norriss: i've held back so much from loving my dad

[03/08/2015 18:18:52] Jamie Catto: mmmmm feeling you

[03/08/2015 18:19:01] Jamie Catto: where in the body is that right now?

[03/08/2015 18:19:09] Roma Norriss: feels painful to keep sending you all this shit

[03/08/2015 18:19:14] Roma Norriss: my heart

[03/08/2015 18:19:43] Roma Norriss: it's punctured today

[03/08/2015 18:19:47] Jamie Catto: back of the heart

[03/08/2015 18:19:49] Jamie Catto: near the spine

[03/08/2015 18:19:51] Jamie Catto: go soft

[03/08/2015 18:19:53] Jamie Catto: now

[03/08/2015 18:20:24] Roma Norriss: unbearable

[03/08/2015 18:21:49] Roma Norriss: I always have to be the one that rings my dad

[03/08/2015 18:22:10] Roma Norriss: Even when his wife died last week I had to fb him asking why there were condolences on his wall

[03/08/2015 18:23:05] Roma Norriss: So part of the holding back is like I test... will he call me before I call him

[03/08/2015 18:23:27] Jamie Catto: yes

[03/08/2015 18:23:50] Jamie Catto: or accept him as a loving man who doesn't make the call (for whatever reason) and it's meaningless

[03/08/2015 18:24:03] Jamie Catto: what meaning do we attach to him not calling? what belief?

[03/08/2015 18:24:29] Roma Norriss: yeah I believe he isn't interested in me

[03/08/2015 18:25:12] Jamie Catto: staying with that

[03/08/2015 18:25:59] Roma Norriss: which I know isn't true but yeah fundamental thought is that I must not be worthy if he would leave the country with me in it

[03/08/2015 18:26:19] Roma Norriss: I must be unloveable

[03/08/2015 18:29:53] Jamie Catto: we're going to dissolve it

[03/08/2015 18:29:57] Roma Norriss: btw that was so totally Leo when you were like "you're feeling my heart pain"

[03/08/2015 18:30:14] Roma Norriss: this is MY fucking heart pain... it's not all about you ya know :-)

[03/08/2015 18:30:36] Jamie Catto: dickhead

[03/08/2015 18:30:49] Jamie Catto: i know it's yours plonker

[03/08/2015 18:30:54] Jamie Catto: i feel it

[03/08/2015 18:31:29] Roma Norriss: at buddhafield you were all oh... you're just feeling me cause you love me

[03/08/2015 18:31:32] Roma Norriss: pfffft

[03/08/2015 18:31:43] Jamie Catto: that's when you felt my pain dufus

[03/08/2015 18:32:25] Jamie Catto: we are sensitive to each others

[03/08/2015 18:32:29] Jamie Catto: when we connect

[03/08/2015 18:32:33] Roma Norriss: nah that's when your presence was bringing up mine knobchops

[04/08/2015 00:00:55] Roma Norriss: Just wanted to say thank you. In tears describing how deeply moved I am by what you did today. It felt such a generous gesture unlike anything I've ever experienced. You totally held all my insanity and neediness from such an unconditional place and allowed it all. Never felt so met by anyone.

[04/08/2015 00:04:46] Jamie Catto: thank you means a lot to be so trusted and let in, v nourishing

[04/08/2015 09:11:42] Roma Norriss: Good morning dear. I'm going to keep going with the not holding back as feels so powerful. Not sure how long I can keep it up. I'd like to say forever and trust this will shift soon.

[04/08/2015 10:11:02] Jamie Catto: cool

[04/08/2015 13:44:09] Roma Norriss: Ok ready for some serious shit?

[04/08/2015 13:44:52] Roma Norriss: I lay against a HUUUUGE oak tree today and it reminded me of you (puke) (puke) (puke) (puke) (puke) (puke)

[04/08/2015 13:45:15] Roma Norriss: make it stop

[04/08/2015 16:26:43] Roma Norriss: Ok I'm not obsessively checking to see if you've responded....

[04/08/2015 16:27:09] Roma Norriss: Still think I'm a lightweight?

[04/08/2015 16:27:47] Roma Norriss: This is cringey

[04/08/2015 16:28:39] Roma Norriss: I reckon you mighta been here tho. I know you're a stalker like me.

[04/08/2015 16:29:41] Roma Norriss: You can tell me to stop whenever you want.

[04/08/2015 16:30:25] Roma Norriss: I think it might be harder for me to make myself do this than it is for you to be on the receiving end

[04/08/2015 16:31:14] Roma Norriss: Oh god the shame of being this loser, it's making me really face it rather than pretending I had it together

[04/08/2015 16:36:42] Roma Norriss: What's under is just a hole

[04/08/2015 16:37:17] Roma Norriss: Scared it will always be there, too gaping, unhealable

[04/08/2015 16:39:36] Jamie Catto: maybe the healing is not minding that periodically there will be phases of life where that hole gets activated, and when it does to meet it with welcome, allowance, space, friendliness, and then any healing or dissolving will naturally happen

[04/08/2015 16:44:53] Roma Norriss: And yeah that is the healing, to accept the loser and love her

[04/08/2015 16:45:12] Jamie Catto:

[04/08/2015 16:45:24] Jamie Catto: use the word Loser again and this gets boring

[04/08/2015 16:45:35] Jamie Catto: go deeper

[04/08/2015 16:45:58] Roma Norriss: Traumatised babe

[04/08/2015 16:46:45] Jamie Catto: aww bless, yes

[04/08/2015 17:05:02] Roma Norriss: I actually used to get obsessive about folk from the age of 5. I can remember thinking about a bigger girl and masturbating. I always felt that sense of loser right back then.

[04/08/2015 17:05:30] Jamie Catto: yes, ask her what is shameful, when you want to snorkle

[04/08/2015 17:17:45] Jamie Catto: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5q2tZa1gp8Q

[04/08/2015 17:21:22] Roma Norriss: Ooh that provoked a strange wave of how are you being so fucking patient and kind. Finding links for me etc.

[04/08/2015 17:21:47] Roma Norriss: Shouldn't you tell me to fuck off now

[04/08/2015 17:21:58] Jamie Catto: meaning?

[04/08/2015 17:23:05] Jamie Catto: so this is where the woman Roma reminds and reassures the little one that of course she deserves loved ones taking caring acts for her, just as she likes to be caring too - and little Roma is included in that

[04/08/2015 17:23:57] Roma Norriss: Ouch viscious with myself today

[04/08/2015 17:25:02] Jamie Catto: if you can remember the specifics of what that vicious voice said

[04/08/2015 17:25:13] Jamie Catto: you have a task menu of the beliefs to dissolve

[04/08/2015 17:27:17] Jamie Catto: what she fears and buries which can be loved and released

[04/08/2015 17:44:07] Roma Norriss: I coulda been more gentle with this process I think, have jangled myself

[04/08/2015 17:44:32] Jamie Catto: ok, settle down

[04/08/2015 21:30:17] Roma Norriss: Ahhhh.... relief

[04/08/2015 21:30:37] Roma Norriss: that was deep

[04/08/2015 21:31:26] Roma Norriss: The holding back was also in loyalty to my mother. I couldn't love him out of fear of hurting her

[04/08/2015 21:31:57] Roma Norriss: So i had to project all that love onto others, I now finally understand what that character was about

[04/08/2015 21:32:26] Roma Norriss: And it all felt so wrong, because even from a young age I knew they didn't feel the same about me

[04/08/2015 21:32:51] Roma Norriss: I was innocently being so loving, in the best way I could work out

[04/08/2015 21:33:45] Roma Norriss: I was in a totally shame spiral earlier.

[04/08/2015 21:36:35] Roma Norriss: I know i'm really brave and get this stuff quite quick but also this process today was too brutal. Felt on the edge of retraumatisation. I'm going to go a bit easier. Agree with what you say in your book about not forcing. I am too relentless with myself.

[11/08/2015 21:34:20] Jamie Catto: how's the rage?

[11/08/2015 21:35:20] Roma Norriss: i feel like agggghhh get out of my head catto

[11/08/2015 21:35:53] Roma Norriss: like I'd love to pound on yer (if I knew it wouldn't really hurt you)

[11/08/2015 21:36:06] Jamie Catto: funny

[11/08/2015 21:36:06] Jamie Catto: such a softy

[11/08/2015 21:36:55] Roma Norriss: I might take it out on a pillow

[11/08/2015 21:37:58] Jamie Catto: what exactly is 'in your head' ?

[11/08/2015 21:38:17] Roma Norriss: just feel so drawn into you

[11/08/2015 21:38:35] Jamie Catto: what, like how i'm doing? or what i'd think? or?

[11/08/2015 22:02:57] Roma Norriss: Yeah what you'd think about something or wanting to tell you something or even just feeling that projection (longing/rage) onto you rather than focusing on what is really going on in my life

[11/08/2015 22:06:04] Jamie Catto: i think you should make a shrine to me that you leave flowers and candles on with reverence

[11/08/2015 22:06:27] Roma Norriss: pffffffffffft

[11/08/2015 22:06:42] Roma Norriss: I need a photo of you then :-) (sends this photo)

[11/08/2015 22:08:02] Roma Norriss: pmsl

[11/08/2015 22:08:08] Roma Norriss: you've done this before

[11/08/2015 22:08:25] Roma Norriss: I knew this was a weird cult hareem

[11/08/2015 22:09:36] Roma Norriss: i'm actually gonna do it

[11/08/2015 22:09:48] Roma Norriss: may as well laugh about this

[11/08/2015 22:09:56] Jamie Catto: genius

[11/08/2015 22:10:10] Jamie Catto: I'm sure this is groundbreaking stuff somehow

[11/08/2015 22:10:17] Roma Norriss: i'm sure

[11/08/2015 22:10:21] Jamie Catto: it's total, that's for sure

[11/08/2015 22:10:58] Roma Norriss: yes and its happening now so time I stopped resisting it

So at this point I made a real shrine in my room to Jamie Catto. Having allowed the infatuation to the point where it had pretty much consumed my entire reality, there was little else left to do. So every morning when I woke the first thing I'd see was his face looking at me. I tended my shrine with fresh flowers and lit candles and on his birthday I even made an offering of chocolate peanuts. And each time I caught sight of it I would chuckle at the absurdity of it all.

[25/08/2015 09:28:06] Roma Norriss: There's a tiny Catto in my room, smiling at me when I wake up. There's a tiny Catto omnipresent in a large or small part of my mind. It's scary when I believe thoughts about it never ending or being too crazy. Ok breathe, soften, embrace. No need to respond x

[13/08/2015 00:23:21] Jamie Catto: lose the shame

[13/08/2015 00:23:52] Roma Norriss: its fucking embarrassing and degrading though

[13/08/2015 00:24:05] Jamie Catto: degrading?

[13/08/2015 00:24:07] Jamie Catto: why?

[13/08/2015 00:24:15] Roma Norriss: ugh

[13/08/2015 00:25:46] Roma Norriss: to be so entranced with someone that left to their own devices (minus continuous skype hounding perhaps) probably wouldn't think of me all that often (TOTALLY understandably)

[13/08/2015 00:26:33] Jamie Catto: i disagree, whatever ofteness I think about you is irrelevant

[13/08/2015 00:27:12] Jamie Catto: especially as you yourself don't even really want me in the physical world

[13/08/2015 00:27:18] Jamie Catto: you are moved

[13/08/2015 00:27:22] Jamie Catto: something in you

[13/08/2015 00:27:26] Jamie Catto: is firing up

[13/08/2015 00:27:29] Jamie Catto: it's beautiful

[13/08/2015 00:27:35] Jamie Catto: it happens to be using me

[13/08/2015 00:27:46] Jamie Catto: so there's mental stuff that hangs itself on it

[13/08/2015 00:27:50] Jamie Catto: images

[13/08/2015 00:27:51] Jamie Catto: ideas

[13/08/2015 00:27:59] Jamie Catto: but what's REALLY going on

[13/08/2015 00:28:14] Jamie Catto: is little to do with the Me and You humans

[13/08/2015 00:28:52] Roma Norriss: thank you

[13/08/2015 00:29:22] Jamie Catto: i think it's brave not degrading

[13/08/2015 00:29:25] Roma Norriss: that's a beautiful thing to say

[13/08/2015 00:29:28] Jamie Catto: your path challenges the hiding

[13/08/2015 00:29:35] Jamie Catto: from shame

[13/08/2015 00:29:37] Jamie Catto: that most do

[13/08/2015 00:29:41] Jamie Catto: but you aren't doing that

[13/08/2015 00:29:50] Jamie Catto: you're 'turning towards'

[13/08/2015 00:30:03] Jamie Catto: even though it looks weird on the surface when you explain it to people

[13/08/2015 00:30:14] Roma Norriss: yes :-)

[13/08/2015 00:30:16] Jamie Catto: you're still ignoring that stuff and going deeper

[13/08/2015 00:30:23] Jamie Catto: it's inspiring

[13/08/2015 00:30:27] Roma Norriss: sleep well and so appreciating this profound holding through such a major transition. I will pay this forward when I am superhuman ya know. Like tenfold.

[19/08/2015 22:15:22] Roma Norriss: I feel like I'm doing your head in. Maybe I'm just doing mine. I trust that you'll tell me.

[19/08/2015 22:36:09] Jamie Catto: it's all good over here

[19/08/2015 22:36:18] Jamie Catto: boundaries feel really clear and clean

[22/08/2015 22:54:16] Roma Norriss: Yo

[22/08/2015 23:36:53] Jamie Catto: Yo

[23/08/2015 08:53:31] Roma Norriss: Just ya know... In the spirit of not withholding... Still feeling the pull.

[23/08/2015 12:42:55] Jamie Catto: Ok

[23/08/2015 12:43:03] Jamie Catto: Any changes?

[23/08/2015 12:43:36] Roma Norriss: yes

[23/08/2015 12:43:37] Roma Norriss: no

[23/08/2015 12:43:44] Roma Norriss: whole kaleidoscope

[23/08/2015 12:44:46] Jamie Catto: hmmmm

[23/08/2015 12:45:02] Jamie Catto: Just waking up

[23/08/2015 12:45:24] Roma Norriss: whatcha been up to?

[23/08/2015 12:46:15] Jamie Catto: mooching

[23/08/2015 12:49:09] Roma Norriss: gosh, hit with anxiety in response to you

[23/08/2015 12:49:18] Roma Norriss: Hi Jamie

[23/08/2015 12:53:00] Jamie Catto: Hi

[23/08/2015 12:53:21] Roma Norriss: yeah

[23/08/2015 12:53:37] Jamie Catto: wonder what about

[23/08/2015 12:54:14] Jamie Catto: you already know I both love you as a pal and know you're a dork

[23/08/2015 12:54:58] Roma Norriss: totally

[23/08/2015 12:56:01] Roma Norriss: so intensely disturbing

[23/08/2015 12:56:28] Roma Norriss: just want to be able to enjoy the incredible bounty that is all around me and yet all I can feel deeply is the void

[23/08/2015 12:57:22] Jamie Catto: ah well that would explain still attaching to me

[23/08/2015 12:57:54] Jamie Catto: Need to translate this fun/intimacy into other friends and relationships

[23/08/2015 12:59:31] Roma Norriss: A lot of fun/intimacy with others, literally all around me in a way it has never been!

[23/08/2015 13:01:02] Roma Norriss: But still this longing for... I don't even know what

[23/08/2015 13:01:42] Roma Norriss: in waves, not all the time

[23/08/2015 13:02:04] Jamie Catto: Father

[23/08/2015 13:02:11] Roma Norriss: yep

[23/08/2015 13:02:57] Jamie Catto: Write a dear daddy letter today

[23/08/2015 13:03:14] Roma Norriss: ok

[23/08/2015 13:03:17] Roma Norriss: another one

[23/08/2015 13:03:31] Jamie Catto: More needy

[23/08/2015 13:03:35] Roma Norriss: ok!

[23/08/2015 13:05:56] Jamie Catto: no boundaries

[23/08/2015 13:06:34] Roma Norriss: i've had some practice now :-)

[23/08/2015 13:07:52] Roma Norriss: thanks honey

[23/08/2015 13:08:02] Jamie Catto: go all the way

[23/08/2015 13:08:15] Roma Norriss: got it

[23/08/2015 13:26:52] Roma Norriss: i'm also gonna light a candle on your shrine today

[23/08/2015 13:26:57] Roma Norriss: something powerful in that

[23/08/2015 13:27:14] Jamie Catto: thanks (bow)

[23/08/2015 13:27:46] Roma Norriss: might've been a joke when you suggested it but actually really good one

[23/08/2015 13:28:05] Jamie Catto: not a joke

[23/08/2015 13:28:30] Jamie Catto: make sure the petals are fresh

[23/08/2015 13:30:54] Roma Norriss: i'll go out in the rain

[23/08/2015 13:33:27] Roma Norriss: i dont understand why but have come back around to a sexual attraction. Was initially kinda teenage and lusty, then that dropped and it really wasn't there. Now last couple days feels different. Fuck knows.

[23/08/2015 13:36:33] Jamie Catto: go deeper

[23/08/2015 13:36:35] Jamie Catto: ask it

[23/08/2015 13:36:41] Jamie Catto: what does it/she want?

[23/08/2015 13:36:44] Jamie Catto: unvarnished

[23/08/2015 13:52:35] Roma Norriss: maybe its for lack of another model of safety and power, I've really been yearning to be met more powerfully, not sure why now at this particular point.

[23/08/2015 13:53:09] Jamie Catto: to be held while you expand

[23/08/2015 13:53:16] Roma Norriss: ha

[23/08/2015 13:54:00] Jamie Catto: if you're not in a primary relationship which does this you need to create/manifest it with other things

[23/08/2015 13:54:22] Jamie Catto: a mixture of me, your own self care, other people (men or women) with yang rooted heart mountain energy

[23/08/2015 13:54:24] Jamie Catto: nature

[23/08/2015 13:54:29] Roma Norriss: yes been thinking about that

[23/08/2015 18:50:23] Roma Norriss: Oh interesting. I realised today that an aspect of you i've found fascinating... the women falling about. My dad does that to women. He 'sees' women. Literally, he's an artist and mostly paints female nudes. Something about being seen by a man who really knows women is what's bringing this up so intensely. You're just like him. My aunt was just here telling me that even at 75, he has women flocking to take care of him since his wife died a couple weeks ago.

[23/08/2015 18:55:57] Jamie Catto: Cool, good lead!

[31/08/2015 15:37:37] Roma Norriss: Hmmn not going into bodily meltdown, maybe I've made somewhat of a breakthrough

[31/08/2015 15:38:52] Jamie Catto: :)

[31/08/2015 15:38:55] Jamie Catto: shower now

[31/08/2015 15:38:55] Jamie Catto: x

[31/08/2015 15:39:58] Roma Norriss: fuck

[31/08/2015 15:51:32] Jamie Catto: ?

[31/08/2015 15:52:33] Roma Norriss: first response was Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Catto in the shower, but to be fair I am ovulating, I may have had the same response to almost anyone.

[31/08/2015 15:54:06] Jamie Catto: you'd be wasting your time, I have a tiny penis and am useless with it

[31/08/2015 15:54:11] Jamie Catto: totally selfish lover

[31/08/2015 15:54:21] Roma Norriss: Lol

[31/08/2015 15:54:27] Roma Norriss: I know

[31/08/2015 15:55:06] Jamie Catto: that's how you know your Jamie-syndrome is all fantasy - any time you're imagining me to be cool or sexual, you're making it up in your tiny mind

[31/08/2015 15:57:18] Roma Norriss: I know this. I can see how much I wouldn't be into you if not for this insanity. Said with deep love and appreciation for the gorgeous being that you are.

[31/08/2015 15:57:43] Jamie Catto: of course (bow)

[31/08/2015 16:03:30] Roma Norriss: Yeah anyway sorry dear for all this nonsense, I know you got shit to do.

[31/08/2015 16:03:48] Jamie Catto: not nonsense, it's been a groundbreaking process

[01/09/2015 13:47:30] Roma Norriss: Oh yeah wanted to share a message from the friend who was at your workshop with the baby. I hadn't spoken to her since then so she didn't know of my crazy bullshit. She wrote "I never told you but I dreamt about you about six weeks ago. You were in black and white then Jamie Catto kept coming into the room and you were in colour and glowing. Felt quite strong dream"

[01/09/2015 13:47:53] Jamie Catto: (chuckle)

[01/09/2015 13:49:17] Roma Norriss: Made me smile and feel a beam of love and gratitude for what your soul has awakened in mine.

[01/09/2015 13:49:46] Jamie Catto: back to your POWER!

[01/09/2015 13:50:07] Roma Norriss: Yep

[01/09/2015 13:51:09] Roma Norriss: Not sure if I dare say it... but I think I/we might have done it. I won't do this crazy obsessing again. Why would I?

[01/09/2015 13:51:26] Jamie Catto: I guess we'll see

And that mostly allowed me to dissolve the whole thing. I had a few days after this point where the longing revisited, but mostly I just switched all that energy back to myself. It suddenly felt like a crime against myself to allow any more. Next time I saw Jamie I felt great love and gratitude and perhaps I'll always find him attractive, but the projection, confusion and bodily meltdown had gone. In hindsight, it was clear that the process allowed me to offload a good chunk of the initial trauma through being given permission to feel it. At the time I had felt so stuck I believed it would never end and it certainly didn't seem like it might be productive. There were moments that felt incredibly vulnerable to keep showing this man (whose approval I so wanted) the level of my dysfunction.

Jamie and I are good pals now and it feels totally resolved. We shared a moment a couple of months ago at a festival when Jamie and I both clocked how powerful I have become and he beamed at me, both of us remembering this peculiar journey. Every few months or so I become overwhelmingly touched by what this man did for me. He allowed me to use this experience to power myself up. He never once judged or bought into my shame. He did not create any artificial boundaries, hold me at arms length or move away from my touch. Instead he embraced me with the energy of 'come here you'. He was not once daunted by the intensity of my feelings. He did not once take it personally or get off on it. I am deeply humbled by the respect and care shown to me by at that time a near stranger. We have agreed that we'll be friends for life after going through this together.

This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, send us an email.
CONVERSATIONS