A Eulogy For Your Health Care

05/06/2017 02:57 pm ET Updated May 07, 2017

Friends, family, mayor, members of the city council, the church community, all of you from impossibly gerrymandered voting districts, the “build a wall” crew, everyone from the beer pong league, all of you who shouted “lock her up,” team “Muslim ban,” and all the other distinguished guests…

We have gathered here today to say goodbye to a friend who has been with us since we’re born… a friend who looked out for each of us… a friend who dropped everything when we were sick… a friend who literally nursed each of us back to health…who has made each of our lives, if nothing else, longer…

Today, we gather to say goodbye, to pay our respects... to health care.

Were “health care” here, I’m certain it would be so pleased to see so many friends … including Carl, with his black lung from 25 years of mining coal – those jobs are coming back, buddy.

There’s Ms. Diane, who had her foot amputated ‘cause of the damn sugar.

There’s Mike, that time who was throwing up so much, you’d think his sister was having his baby.

She’s not, right? That’s a joke. Maybe.

There’s Joe-Bob – who got a rare stomach bug while doing missionary work in China. (pause) China, of course, was her name. …

Gorgeous girl.

As all of you know, health care was truly wonderful. When I close my eyes and think about healthcare, the words that come to mind are: life saving, honest, hard-working, thoughtful, loving, courageous, “official breast inspector” and….Perhaps, most of all —

... available.

But, as we all now know, health care will no longer be available… health care is dead… for 24 million Americans. Maybe more. And this is a big change… because, as we all know, ordinarily, when this many old white men come together for a common cause, usually just one black guy ends up dead.

Health care did have a good run, though. It was… I don’t know… it’s been on this earth at least since men have walked upright. At least 2.5 million years. If someone had offered me 2.5 million years, I would have taken that offer faster than Joan Rivers did. - She was very old.

You know how people used to say, “laughter is the best medicine” – well, thanks to the 217 Republican congressmen, laughter is no longer just the best medicine… it’s literally the only medicine.

Which is fine.

All it means is that if you have sweats, fever, chills, night terrors, upset stomach, nausea, blood clots, internal bleeding, asthma, hives, swelling, milky eye, high cholesterol, low cholesterol, joint pain, inflammation, inflamed bowel, swollen testicles or plan to become pregnant at the gathering of the Juggalos…

...make an appointment to see Louis CK. He has office hours from 10 and 10:45 pm… Friday and Saturday nights. And before you leave, please remember to tip your waitresses.

Before health care died, it asked me to give a message to a few of you: so, Carl with the black lung, Mary with the tumors, Phil with that weird growth on your neck, Earl with the Parkinsons, all of you with PTSD…

Healthcare asked me to say to you: “A rabbi and a priest walk into a bar…”

Look. We cannot foresee the trials or misfortunes that will test us along the way. We cannot know what god’s plan is for us. What we can do is to live out our lives as best we can with purpose, and with love, and with joy. Being super extra extra-careful when we cross the street…

Or when we breath.

Or as we get older.

The greatest expectations were placed on health care’s shoulders, because of what it did… and yet, we do not weep for the confusing insurance paperwork that accompanied it. We do not weep for the time wasted sitting in doctor’s waiting rooms.

We weep because we’re going to die.

Yup. Each of us. We’re going to die. That’s what happens when you don’t have health care. Some of us will die sooner. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but the day after that? Maybe. Or next week, or next month, or in a few hours if we don’t get our glycerin tablets. I’m looking at you, Jim!

Health care has gone home. Guided by its faith… and the light of 217 Republican assholes.

Yes. Today we mourn health care, which has slipped the surely bonds of earth to touch the hand of god… But then immediately squeezed on a bunch of hand sanitizer, incse god had just eaten at chipotele…

I’m going to miss health care… and one day in the future, we will meet again in heaven… and until then, i’ll be asking everyone i meet, “does this look infected.”

I hope you’ll join us as we bury health care… it’s in a grave right next to our humanity.

Jon Hotchkiss is a 14 time Emmy nominee, an original writer on Politically Incorrect and the former showrunner for Penn & Teller: Bullshit. He hosts the new series, Be Less Stupid, which you can see free HERE.

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