A Grocery List for a New Era

01/05/2017 03:52 am ET Updated Jan 05, 2017

Honey,

With the Trump presidency imminent, I’ve become concerned that the Russians will hack our grocery list and discover that we eat nothing but crap. I’m concerned that the information about our terrible diets will mean that we will be among the weaklings who the Russians attack first. So I’ve decided to use code words for our grocery list starting 1/20. Please memorize this list. Then burn it.

Code Word/Product to be Purchased

Kale = Cool Ranch Doritos

Cage Free Eggs = Jumbo Marshmallows

Kombucha = A&W Root Beer

Gluten Free Sprouted Ancient Grain Bread = Wonder Bread

Organic Spaghetti Squash = Chef Boyardee Spaghetti-O’s

Salad = Donuts

Linzer Torte = Vienna Sausages

Oranges = Velveeta

Almond Milk = Jagermeister

Extra Virgin Olive Oil = Miracle Whip

Quinoa = Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco Treat

Eggplant = Ding-Dongs

Pâté = Spam

Lemons = Spray Cheese

Bacon = Bacon

Love you. God help us all.

XOXOXOXO

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