I don't know what to say.
I love to write. It's what I do first thing in the early morn before the sun rises and it is often the last thing I do before putting my head on the pillow to rest -- suffice it to say, I am rarely at a loss for words. Words are the medium I use to paint my own canvas -- to express emotions, to work through life's lessons, to make sense of it all. Alas, this week, I'm empty, nothing, nada... and I'm owning it.
Though I sit here quietly, I'm perplexed by my own inability to make any sense of my thoughts and the pangs of my heart -- to string words into sentences, into thoughts and expressions. Instead, I feel grounded and heavy, wings clipped, trapped in a feeling, a world, a sadness I cannot make sense of.
Dallas. Louisiana. Minnesota. Shootings. Violence. Protests. Racism.
When I turned on the television the other day, intending to catch up on the 24-hour live streaming newsfeed of the latest events -- I momentarily thought I was in a time warp, somehow transported back to the race riots of the '60s. The recent Atlanta standoff on the highway was reminiscent of the Selma-to-Montgomery march of Martin Luther King, Jr. As I watched, I pleaded -- please dear God, no more violence.
I am left with sadness -- for humanity, the planet and the state of our world. What words can I possibly post on the Internet right now? How can this be tied up neatly in an elegant bow or an inspirational quote? How do we move forward and where do we go?
Oppressors are oppressing. Hashtags are being tossed around like platitudes. There is bullying going on in social media, on TV and on the airwaves. It grows uglier and uglier.
No, I don't know what to say and it saddens me. I don't want to incite further anger, aggression or divisiveness in any way. And I certainly don't want to be insulting by speaking of that which is not my direct experience.
But here's the thing -- we don't have to have all the answers, or be a part of the scene to feel something -- and no, that doesn't mean that we are sitting by idly or, as some have accused, that neutrality is taking a side.
Sometimes it's just ok to be with what is -- to not know what to say, to not know what to write, to not know how to make things right. Sometimes we can't find our answers in instant fixes, in seeking the answers outside of ourselves. Sometimes it is within this space of unknowingness and uncomfortable-ness that something deeper within reaches forward and gently whispers in our ears. Sometimes we simply need to wait.
So while I am not necessarily comfortable with not knowing -- which way to turn, what to write, how to fix things -- there are things that I can focus on. And yes, they may seem a bit mundane in the moment, but they are things I can do in my world in this moment.
I can focus on my own healing, health and well-being. I can focus on the same for my family. I can focus on raising a young man who is a global citizen -- one who connects to his humanness and that in others, one who knows that his deepest answers come from within, from his highest self. When we tap into that energy, we can then bring forth the same into the world around us. These are the kinds of young people who hold a different vision for their future. These are the kinds of communities that build bridges, not walls. That is how we can begin to do our part and what we can bring to the table.
Whether it is tragedy on the world stage or anguish in our own lives, the solution is often the same. When we feel helpless and hopeless we have to start somewhere. I'm not interested in feeding the machine, I'm interested in breaking free of the preconceived notions that bind me to despair, and finding ways to feel better. I certainly can't define it for others, but I know there are things to tap into that shift everything.
Love. Kindness. Compassion. Mindfulness. Community. Love. (Repeat.) That's what I can do.
And sometimes, it's not about the words. As a matter of fact, it rarely is. It's about the heart, the intention, the light that resides within each of us. Turn that on and you'll probably find your way to your words. We can't rush the process. Our real work on this planet is to be our best selves, end of story -- and it's a full-time job.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou
>Learn more and get your free Accountability Cleanse PDF at Kristennoel.com
Photo: Cheryle St. Onge