To My Former Trump University Students

First, let me say how deeply disappointed I am that you losers and haters are suing me for $40 million, especially because I don't have that much cash right now.

Second, I would like to apologize to any senior citizen or single mother who maxed out their credit cards to pay $35,000 in Trump University fees in the mistaken belief that you would: a) learn how to get rich; or b) personally meet me, Donald Trump.

OK, maybe the brochure did say: "Learn how to get rich directly from the real Donald Trump." That's my bad. I did get a little carried away. As I wrote in "The Art of the Deal," "You can't con people, at least not for long. You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on."

Third, please keep in mind that as a graduate of Trump University you did receive a certificate (suitable for framing) printed on the same high quality diploma paper used by actual accredited institutions, plus a souvenir picture of yourself posing next to a cardboard cutout of me.

Fourth, I would like to remind you that at least one person did achieve his dream of making millions through Trump University. His name: Donald J. Trump.

Fifth, I just want to say that I'm really not looking forward to sitting in a Mexican courtroom for the trial in November. That's the month I was planning to read the new ebook Marco Rubio just recommended to me about a lunatic con artist who gets put in charge of the nuclear codes.