A single man on Women's day

03/09/2017 07:18 am ET
Photo:Shaveen Alali

On Women’s Day, I decided to write you this letter because I know how much you hate it. You never told me though, I just discovered accidentally because accidentally I love you.

I could take you somewhere far away. I could give you everything you ever wanted. I always knew when you were hitting on me and it made me happy; I was waiting for you to send me something or to see you accidentally.

However I never did. I just left you there wondering why this and why that happened. I know everything you think about me is right. I am looking for pleasure, I go on dates pretending that I want to find love but after one night with that pretty stranger, I cast her aside and search out for the next girl. I don’t text back or complement her on the white dress from our first date or opening doors for her, or talk about my feelings. I never react the way she expects.

You are right, I would let you down if I would ever start anything with you. I cannot give one answer to anything related to relations, I want love and still want to explore more loves. You are probably right. I am an asshole and you are just too much for me to handle. Therefore, I had to say that you play games. But it is me, and not you who play games!

I love you. I bet I surprised you. I thought you knew everything about me- but this is the only thing you couldn’t see.

I love you without even knowing how or when. Yet, I am still not willing to run after you or think about you every second. Maybe I’ll do that for someone else but not you not today.

I don't see you as beautiful, smart, funny, sexy or even cute but damn one sight of you and I’m done. It can make me happy for another thousand years.

I have kissed you and slept with you more than the others that I actually kissed and slept with. I am with you and not with them but I want to keep them close and I want you away for a reason I don’t understand. I don't get this love.

I think because we don’t know what is beyond death then we must deny it at all. You will never know that we had children together and I named them one by one, and we even watched them grow up together.

You don't know that while you think that no one loves you, I loved you to the maximum I could; till I reached a point where I don't know if this is love or something else. And when I didn’t know, I decided to love more and to this day I still love you.

I never realized that I love you.

While you are reading my thoughts now, you are probably saying, ''he is a lost man since he wasn't brave enough to spend his lifetime with me. He is fake because he is still looking for love somewhere else and missed the true love I could give him. He couldn't read me correctly. He is so stupid to not be able to change few, silly habits in his life for something better. I will find the right person one day, who will do that and more for me and only for me. I should move on and forget all about him and turned him to be a number on a list of potential lovers that never happened because he is just like the rest. Heroes made of paper, and as thin as a sheet of paper''

And here on what they call ''Women’s day'', where everybody is busy expressing their feelings about women and women rights, and some maybe fighting, alone, I smile. I didn't consider us as lovers because of silly reasons little girl. I didn’t consider us because you are young and don't know the art of seduction, you give lessons, not just moral lessons but love lessons, you pretend to be strong and then cry for any small detail, you hang out with intellectuals, you fight for rights-not just women rights but even my rights, you require clear answers, you want what everybody else has and not what I can give you, you talk too much; you like kids, you speak loudly, you are so active, you think everybody should love the same things you love, you are romantic like a 14 year old girl, you are too nice with the people who don't deserve your kindness, you don't follow your passion, you are exiled, your country is in a war, you don't speak enough of my language, you think you love me but you don't love me, and you want me because you need safety. Who is here not reading the other one correctly?

But you know that it could be amazing if we were together. If only you knew that I am so into you. If only you could read me. I see your pretty face now smiling and whispering, ''I could love you more than you can imagine, love is a lifetime practice''. And I would answer you back, no sweetheart I can’t handle something more, I don’t know if I have all that passion. I am still not aware of it, my feelings are all just words written by you. For me this love is still just a note, a hidden note tossed under the metro train, smashed by the irons and the sparks of electricity, eaten by mice, and the last tiny piece which has a little ''V'' was found by a blind homeless man who holds it now in his pocket.

Now I am here in a bar drinking my third beer and staring at two gorgeous women and I don't remember you right now. But let me tell you, I don’t need to remember your name all the time because I already know it.

Find my note. I love you everyday and not just today.

Author Note: This article is dedicated to the best women in my life, who practice love in patience and forbearance, to the very limit of its strength and even beyond. (Shaveen Alali and Hana Sayaghi)

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