WOMEN
08/07/2015 09:21 am ET Updated Dec 19, 2016

A Woman’s Guide To Running For Political Office

First, have a modeling career.

During your candidacy and after you take office, the press will thoroughly cover your physical appearance. They might compare your body to all sorts of fruits. This kind of scrutiny may distract the public from your main purpose of making political change. To get used to hearing all the negative comments about your figure, spend anywhere from three to twenty years of your life working as a professional model. Your looks will receive roughly the same amount of attention when you later run for office.

Hide your emotions.

Remember to always speak in a dull, monotone voice so as not to reveal any enthusiasm – remember, a passionate speech can be interpreted as “emotional,” which is political suicide for a woman! You want to be seen as cold, determined, and unfeeling, but also not too cold, determined, and unfeeling, because then you’ll be called a bitch. This is a tough balance to strike; everyone knows women have 77% more emotions than men. Men only experience anger, lust, and angerlust, an emotion felt when the sports team they love is doing poorly. 

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