An Open Letter To Women Who Always Like The Men Who Don’t Love Back And Don’t Like The Men Who Love Them

04/27/2017 10:24 am ET Updated Apr 27, 2017

Always falling for the men who don’t love back?

You are smart, compassionate, fiercely loyal. Generous at times to a fault, because everything you do is from a place of love.

You can see the good in everyone, and know deep down that we are all doing our best. You believe in mercy over justice. Forgiveness.

You’re no idiot and have done a great deal of inner work. You’re willing to look at yourself in ways that others are not.

Then why, you ask yourself, do you keep falling for the wrong partners?

The ones who disappear on you, mistreat you or are simply emotionally unavailable?

And why, you ask yourself, can’t you like the nice guys?

The men who show up with flowers, who actually call when they say they will, and who don’t seem to play games.

Truth is, they just don’t turn you on.

They’re boring.

The sparks just aren’t there.

So you ask yourself…

“Am I just addicted to the drama?”

My answer is that you – like all of us to some extent – are addicted to the familiar. And that may well be drama.

But let’s face it…

It hasn’t worked for you lately and won’t likely in the future.

Sure, you’ll get that initial high that will last a few months if you’re lucky, weeks if we’re being realistic or perhaps days, but it won’t give way to that thing that you really want:

A real lasting relationship where you are seen, respected, valued and cherished. Heard, prioritized, supported and understood.

I’m not saying Joe Schmo with his stupid grin and ugly sweater vest is the guy for you.

I am saying that the right guy for you will only show up in a way that you can see when you start to take an even closer look at yourself.

Your patterns in and out of love.

The familiar roles you take on.

What’s acceptable and what’s not, at a core level.

And equally as importantly…

When you start risking new ways of doing things.

Then, you’ll start trusting in the process of developing a healthy relationship, even though you may not feel like you’re on a roller coaster every time you engage with each other, and therefore don’t feel as infatuated or intoxicated.

You also won’t get the hangover or come down after you get your Friday night with him and then go days without knowing where he’s at.

I can assure you, courtship and love feel a lot better when they are just easy, and they totally can be! Despite everything you are inundated with, they are SUPPOSED to be easy.

You’ll have to get used to that ease though, and many are simply not up for the challenge.

Getting used to ease is not necessary easy!

Many refuse to give up the rush, the adrenaline spikes when he calls after long gaps of not hearing from him, and wish to continue to live in the fantasy inside of their head, where they can’t REALLY get hurt…

To forge a deeper love requires a deeper level of trust, faith and intimacy that many crave yet few risk to create.

Let me ask you:

Are you willing to get uncomfortable?

Are you truly open to changing up your patterns?

How badly do you want true love?

If you’re willing to do the real inner work and start changing things up on an emotional AND behavioral level, true love can be yours, even if you don’t think it’s possible.

If you find yourself in the same toxic patterns, you must get out of your comfort zone and try something new.

You need to go against the grain of what you’ve always done.

You need to give up the thrill, and risk true intimacy, which may be a lot more scary to create.

If you put the effort in and take the risk, I promise, it’s possible.

Stop ALLOWING yourself to fall for the ones who don’t deserve you, and get uncomfortable letting the ones who do in.

I’m here to tell you:

It’s not SUPPOSED to feel thrilling like you’re used to if all you’ve known is crap relationships.

So get uncomfortable, and buckle up for an even more amazing journey.

Dr. Jenev Caddell is a psychologist, author and integrative coach who works with innovators, high achievers, creatives and entrepreneurs to create their best relationships across the board, with themselves and significant others.

Grab her free interactive workbook and audio training here to discover how you can have a deeply connected and meaningful relationship, regardless of your background or history: 5 Shifts To Creating True Love, Even If You Don’t Think It’s Possible

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