ENTERTAINMENT
08/16/2018 03:33 pm ET

Holy Chris Harrison, 'Bachelor In Paradise' Villain Chris Randone Wrote A Blog About The Female Orgasm

If you want sex advice from the Goose, we suggest you take a gander.
Medium / Google

A valiant gentleman has taken to the internet to help women have more orgasms, and that man is one of the “Bachelor” franchise’s most talked-about contestants. Because who could possibly be better qualified to mansplain female pleasure to the masses than someone who spent weeks looking for love on reality television?

First, we searched for evidence that the aforementioned work of art, titled “Pleasuring a Woman: The Benefits, The Path to an Orgasm, and The Negative Effects if She’s NOT Pleasured,” was written on Medium by Chris Randone, better known as the “Goose” on “Bachelor in Paradise”:

  1. The article was published on Medium on Tuesday, Aug. 14, under the name Chris Randone.

  2. The Medium account includes a photograph of Chris Randone. The same photograph is on Randone’s Instagram account.

  3. After a handful of members of Bachelor Nation discovered the article and began mocking it mercilessly, the article was deleted. (A cached version remains here.)

We also tweeted at and emailed Randone to confirm that the recently-set-up Medium account, which also published articles about entrepreneurship and the benefits of turmeric, belongs to him. We had almost given up hope ― and then! He sent us a reply. #Blessed.  

“That’s my post that I switched over from my blog,” the Goose confirmed, adding that he authored the article a year ago. He explained to HuffPost that he wrote it “because I don’t believe in just having sex. I’ve always seen many guys just want to have sex with women. To me, sex is a deep emotional experience and in that experience, it’s important to have a vested interest in your partner with wanting them to feel good. Not caring about your partner is selfish and unemotional. Intimacy is a shared experience that’s full of energy, frequency, and privacy.”

This is a noble, if rather incoherent, sentiment, and we do applaud this. And yet we cannot ignore the (absolutely egregious) content of the actual article.

As of this afternoon, a heavily edited version of the post re-appeared, along with a new article on “dating the ‘experienced’ single type” ― we, however, will be concerning ourselves with the original text.

Let’s blaze right past the truly wretched grammar, the baggy structure, the devil-may-care pronoun inconsistency, the uncreative misuse of punctuation. Instead, please note that all quotes from the Medium post will be sic.

The fatal flaw of the orgasm manifesto is elementary. In a 642-word article about giving women orgasms, Randone never once mentions the only word that really matters in this area: “clitoris.”

Despite the fact that the headline of the piece promises to reveal “the path to an orgasm,” the article itself gives very little concrete advice. Randone does not mention cunnilingus or the judicious use of sex toys, nor does he emphasize the rarity of female orgasms during penetrative intercourse.

Instead, he offers dire warnings about the consequences of female mendacity. “Women enjoy sex, as they should. [Ed. note: Thank you, sir.] But the void lies within if they’re truly being pleased or not.”

A void! Our lack of orgasms are leaving us empty inside, like Easter eggs or unnested matryoshka dolls.

“Women,” writes Randone, are “the most beautiful creation this world has seen, but it’s rough when they hide how they feel or what they’re actually feeling on the inside when it comes to itimacy.”

When you really think about it, it’s men who are suffering most deeply here. Why would women hurt you like that, innocent men? You just want to enjoy their beauty, without all their devious lies!

With this tone of mistrust of women set, we’re already closer to getting more women into a brand-new orgasm today! Now, as promised by the headline ― which is, again, “Pleasuring a Woman: The Benefits, The Path to an Orgasm, and The Negative Effects if She’s NOT Pleasured” ― we’re about to find out the chilling negative effects if she’s NOT pleasured. 

And readers, it’s not pretty.

Literally. The first bullet point in a list of “benefiting factors” informs us that orgasms will prevent aging: “Having frequent orgasms can help a woman look younger on the outside and feel younger on the inside.” That’s definitely the first thing any woman would hope her man was thinking about as he settles in to give her toe-curling pleasure.

But that’s not all. In a barrage of uncited bullet points, Randone informs us that frequent orgasms will “detoxify” women’s bodies and enhance our memory. Sure, we believe him! No source needed.

“This is a no brainer,” he wraps up the list, “but women become more relaxed, mentally stable, and limit stress with frequent orgasms.” Remember, if your lady is seeming a bit mentally unstable (LOL! Chicks, right?) she probably just needs to get laid. I mean, that one’s so obvious that it would be absurd to even ask for scientific evidence that a woman’s psychological health is dependent on orgasms provided by you, a man.

As the piece wraps up, advice for making women shatter in exquisite ecstasy remains thin on the ground. But the most important point has been made: Men need to have “a vested interest” in making their female partners orgasm, not least because it will be akin to dipping them in the Fountain of Youth and, apparently, Good Mental Health.

Otherwise, what man could possibly have a “vested interest” in making his partner orgasm simply because both people deserve to enjoy a sexual encounter?! No, no, orgasms must preserve her youth and prevent against the lady-specific condition of Crazy to make them worth the effort.

This is what our long battle for sex positivity and feminism and pro-cunnilingus agitating to make women’s sexual pleasure matter has wrought: a generation of men who do believe that it’s important that the women they sleep with cum, but for all the wrong reasons and with all the wrong tools.  

Among all of the flowery language and uncited medical claims, there is exactly one good and true sentence in Randone’s post: “Instead of guessing all the time, experiment and communicate.” Excellent strategy. Maybe start by finding the clitoris.

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