COMEDY
12/11/2015 10:35 am ET

'I'm Sorry I Didn't Finish The Job'

The bald eagle from Trump's Time magazine shoot speaks out.

Humans,

By now, you've probably seen the GIF of me attacking Donald Trump during his Time magazine photo shoot. If you haven't, here it is. 

Needless to say, I'm embarrassed. The plan was to end Trump for good. I think you know what I mean. Make The Donald done-zo. No mo' Trump-o-linni.

But when the time came, I don't know, I just ... I just panicked and went back to just standing on my fake nest. 

I got another chance. But again, nothing. In my defense, I panicked because I thought Trump's hair was my friend Todd's place.

I want to take this moment to apologize, America. Donald Trump is a dry orange cancer poisoning the greatness of this country and the sooner he's out of the picture, the better. I have to live with the knowledge that I had the chance to put a punchline on a joke that stopped being funny months ago. But this bird straight choked.

Honestly, what's the worst that could've happen to me? What, are they gonna kill a bald eagle? In America? Yeah, right. Would they throw me in bird prison? Yeah, I may be a talking bald eagle but the thought of a place where people incarcerate birds for breaking human laws is just a little too kookoo for cocoa puffs. Even if they tried to throw me in bird prison, I'd just fly away.

Point is: I would have gotten away with it. 

Now, I feel awful. I let myself down. I let my incredibly liberal trainer, Mark, down. But most importantly, I let the American people down. I'm the ultimate symbol for truth and justice. I'm resolute. I'm the American dream. I'm the vision and courage to do what's right in the face of oppression. Also the visual of an American bald eagle ridding this world of Donald Trump is just about the best metaphor of all time. It might be the single thing that could convince Trump supporters that a racist billionaire who wants to scapegoat minorities is bad for the USA.

I'll say this. Next time, Trump wont be so lucky. Next time, he wont just get a nip and a squawk. He'll get the claws and the beak. The wings and the feet. Razor sharp and laser focused. Rip rip, tear tear. Flap flap, peck peck, baby! And before you can say "China's beating us," Trump will be a shredded pile of fake hair and spray tanned-skin.

That's a promise. Bird's honor.

Next time, Trump. Next time ... 

KaKaw!

Barry The Bald Eagle

 

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