Bannon denied key to newly refurbished Executive Washroom in White House West Wing

04/07/2017 10:13 pm ET

NOT FAKE NEWS, BUT AUTHENTIC SATIRE

The most dramatic evidence yet that White House chief strategist Stephen K. Bannon is losing clout inside the Trump Administration is the glaring omission of his name from a list of staffers who have been given keys to the newly enlarged, refurbished, and elegantly redecorated Executive Washroom in the West Wing. The washroom was personally designed by President Trump himself.

“Trust me, the new Executive Washroom is hugely classy. It’s super-luxury! It’s the greatest crapper in the world, bar none!” — President Donald Trump's remarks at last week’s dedication ceremony.

“A key to the Executive Washroom is definitely the most sought-after status symbol in the entire Administration,” according to a White House source who wishes to remain anonymous. “One guy in the Press Office told me he’d rather be given one of those keys than a Medal of Freedom.”

The keys are hard to come by. The President authorized Jared Kushner, his son-in-law, to decide who gets one and who doesn’t. But, reportedly, it was Trump himself who decreed that Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was not to receive one under any circumstances. “Ryan can piss his pants for all I care,” the President told Kushner.

Possessing a key to the Executive Washroom is not just highly prestigious, but highly convenient too. Trump’s expansion of the facility consumed all available space in the already overcrowded West Wing that might be used for toilets. The result is that male staffers without keys are compelled to use the public men’s room available to tourists. Often this toilet is crowded and men have to wait in line in order to use the facility.

For this reason, Mr. Bannon’s exclusion from the group of key-holders may be particularly painful and embarrassing. It’s well known that he suffers from a irritable bowel syndrome, a chronic condition that commonly causes cramping, abdominal pain, bloating, gas, diarrhea and constipation.

“Don’t quote me,” our anonymous source asked. “But when it comes to staff infighting inside the White House, the shit has hit the fan.”

(NOTE: The Executive Washroom in the West Wing is for use by male staffers only. A broom closet has been set aside for the West Wing's women staff.)

Byron Kennard

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