COMEDY
04/06/2017 02:41 pm ET Updated Apr 06, 2017

Baseball Isn't Boring, YOU'RE Boring

Sorry you had to find out this way.
Illustration: Andy McDonald

I have the same conversation multiple times per year. “Ugh, baseball is so boring,” people tell me when I bring up ― what will always be ― the national pastime.

And every year I have to lay out the reasons why I think that, no, baseball is great, it’s you that’s boring. 

I’m not going to dive too deep into the same tired arguments, so we’ll get those quickly out of the way.

 

“The games are so long!”

Please, there’s no need to yell.

They are as long as they’ve always been: nine innings. Sometimes that means it will go two-and-a-half hours. Sometimes that means four-and-a-half hours. It’s one of the reasons the game is so great. The clock has no impact on the field.

The average 2016 regular season NFL game was three hours and eight minutes, according to Pro-Football-Reference.com. According to the data from Baseball-Reference.com, the average 2016 regular season MLB game was three hours and five minutes.

 

“There’s not a lot of action!”

Again, the yelling is unnecessary.

This depends completely on what you consider “action.” Maybe you need people running around the field to prove to yourself that things are actually happening.

We call that Tom Cruise brain. Just as Tom Cruise must run in every film, your brain must see constant body movement to generate a response. That, plus your tiny arms, makes you more T-Rex than human.

 

“If we make the games shorter, people will more likely tune in!”

Stop yelling. Final warning.

You’re telling me that shaving 15 minutes off a baseball game will keep the average person interested in a baseball game? That was the issue this whole time??

Well, hand me a Pepsi can, who knew that was the answer!

Listen, I’m sorry, we can’t squish a Major League Baseball game into a time-slot comparable to “The Voice” for the casual fan who is called a “casual fan” for a reason.


Baseball is a game of thoughtful pauses and contemplation. It’s a game of conversation and debate. It’s a shared experience, whether you’re at the game or not.

When there’s a break in the action, that’s when the other fun-but-often-overlooked part begins: interacting with another human being. For baseball fans, the discussion of the game is sometimes as exciting as the game itself.

Because, if you’re bored when the action on the field stops, it means that you’re a boring person.

Which brings me to my ultimate point:

Why doesn’t anyone want to talk to you? Why are you bored when things aren’t happening?

Because, if you’re bored when the action on the field stops, it means that you’re a boring person.

For reference:  

Baseball has stood at the forefront of larger national conversations for a hundred years. Baseball is fascinating, on and off the field, action or “no action.” 

So, I’m sorry you had to find out this way, but I’m afraid you suffer from being a boring person. 

Quick, here’s an impression of you with no outside stimulation!

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