The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant -- but succinct -- wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week's great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
feel like no matter how i die my last words will be "i'm still hungry"
— Jessica Roy (@JessicaKRoy) May 11, 2015
Here are some good joke topics for men to explore:- woman mean- woman fat- friend is bad (maybe he has drinking problem?)- own dick
— Erin Gloria Ryan (@morninggloria) May 12, 2015
Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's the three cups of coffee before noon.
— MADELINE HALLER (@madeline_haller) May 12, 2015
I worry a lot about the Singularity but Facebook just asked me to tag my own breasts as friends so I think we're good for a few more years
— Mara “Get Rid of the Nazis” Wilson (@MaraWilson) May 13, 2015
It's very telling of my personality that "Trap Queen" just makes me want to bake pies.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) May 15, 2015
My daily objective is less about goal achievement and more about regret management. #AimLow
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) May 14, 2015
But if we put a woman on the $20 bill it'll only be worth a little over $15.00
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 12, 2015
I'd say you're the reason I drink but that would be giving you way too much credit.
— Black Cat Bettie (@BlackCatBettie) May 14, 2015
i’ve never felt as altruistic as i do when i'm giving someone their 11th like on instagram
— Alexis Kleinman (@alexiskleinman) May 13, 2015
chart where x-axis is proximity of deadline and y-axis is tweets per hour about '90s female singer-songwriters
— Lily Karlin (@lilykarlin) May 15, 2015
Tinder keeps telling me to log in soon. Mate. Just send a compatible (loves books, rice and the films of Jeff Goldblum) dude to my house.
— Bim Adewunmi (@bimadew) May 15, 2015
i eat the booty like groceries and
— Alexis C. Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) May 13, 2015
by that i mean i never have time to go out and get any
Women are people but so are footballs.
— Ali Griffin Vingiano (@alivingiano) May 11, 2015
I wish I had known in my 20's that older guys didn't date me because I was fascinating, but because women their own age couldn't stand them.
— Laura Benanti (@LauraBenanti) May 11, 2015
i feel like i'm the mcdonald's fruit & yogurt parfait of humans in that i'm very elegant but misguided
— Gabby Noone (@twelveoclocke) May 11, 2015
"Let's just share a dessert", said the worst person on the planet.
— moody monday (@mdob11) May 12, 2015
I don't want free apps Starbucks, I want someone to hold me and tell me I'm doing a great job.
— Amber Clenaghen (@McNorfin) May 13, 2015
Lady in the streets
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) May 14, 2015
Freak at the cat shelter
Next time you feel compelled to tell a female what she should or shouldn't be wearing take a moment to swan dive into your nearest landfill.
— A Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) May 14, 2015
I'd rather spend 10 minutes rearranging the dishwasher to accommodate something than spend 30 seconds washing it by hand.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) May 14, 2015
Support HuffPost
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
At HuffPost, we believe that everyone needs high-quality journalism, but we understand that not everyone can afford to pay for expensive news subscriptions. That is why we are committed to providing deeply reported, carefully fact-checked news that is freely accessible to everyone.
Whether you come to HuffPost for updates on the 2024 presidential race, hard-hitting investigations into critical issues facing our country today, or trending stories that make you laugh, we appreciate you. The truth is, news costs money to produce, and we are proud that we have never put our stories behind an expensive paywall.
Would you join us to help keep our stories free for all? Your contribution of as little as $2 will go a long way.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you’ll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Already contributed? Log in to hide these messages.
Related
Before You Go
