10/11/2006 03:51 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Bush's election appeal to the Founding Fathers!

From The Desk Of The President of the United States

Dear Founding Fathers,

I've got some great news for you!

You'll probably recall that when I was put in charge of the family investment folio nearly six years ago - I made a bit of a hash of it to say the least!

When I was given the investment folio it was running at a rather healthy surplus. And then my team and I made some investments that you didn't quite agree with. In essence I gave away that surplus to some of my best buds. I felt they deserved it. Without them - I wouldn't have landed this plum job - so it was a bit of payback really! Gotta take care of the providers...

As a result of this, the account went from a big surplus into what could best be described - for lack of a better word as err... well err... well it's a deficit. Actually in reality it's a massive DEBT. But debt is such a horrible sounding word! So let's call it a deficit. A pleasantly abstract concept!

You told me that it was actually the biggest deficit the family has ever had! (And you're not guys who are easily given to superlatives!)

You made some rather snippy comments about how the family had given me a large surplus and I'd turned it into the family's biggest deficit. And you asked me what I planned to do to put it back in order.

Well I promised to cut that deficit in half - and I said that I could do that in only five years.

Well here's the good news - I've managed to cut that massive deficit I ran up - in just TWO years - not five. That means I'm now only HALF as profligate as you said I was! And I've speeded up the process of reducing that record-breaking debt that you were complaining about! I know how pleased y'all will be about this!

Umm dear dads... I have a teensy-weensy favor to ask you.

I notice that the contract my investment team has to keep running the family portfolio expires on November 7th. So I sorta need to ask you to endorse the renewal of it. The whole family will be seeking your approval.

Since me and my team have done such a magnificent job of halving the debt we'd run up - and given another few years we might even get the folio back to the surplus that it was in before we took it over - I'd really appreciate it if you would just rubber-stamp our contract for another few years.

After all - the only alternative team to handle the portfolio would be those dumb cousins who are always promising to give away the family money to worthless do-gooder charities. I say if we're gonna give the family jewels away - let's give 'em to people who do US some good. And when I say "US" I mean "us" and not the "U.S."!

So - please give me the message that the whole family is waiting to hear.

Yours truly


From The Desk Of The Founding Fathers


You and your team are so frigging fired.


The Fathers