WEIRD NEWS

A Stick Shift Might Be Your Best Bet At Thwarting Carjackers

Gotta know how to drive it to steal it.
"Does anybody know how to drive this thing?"
"Does anybody know how to drive this thing?"

Smug stick shift drivers are gloating this week over the news that Pittsburgh police are hunting for two wannabe carjackers who apparently gave up on their plan when they found out their victim’s car had a manual transmission. If this story seems vaguely familiar, it’s because it happens all the damn time.

Don’t believe us? Check the record for yourself.

  • JUNE 2015 -- Utah man allegedly attempts to steal a car, then has to call a cab after he can’t figure out the stick shift. 

  • FEBRUARY 2015 -- A California man allegedly forces a driver out of his vehicle, but then just runs off when he realizes he’s unable to man the car himself.

  • NOVEMBER 2014 -- Two teens in Houston allegedly try to carjack a vehicle, then end up having to force the driver to give them stick shift lessons at gunpoint. They don’t get it, and end upon fleeing on foot.

  • JUNE 2014 -- Three teens allegedly try to carjack a 70-year-old woman at gunpoint, then give up when they couldn’t even get the five-speed to move.

  • MAY 2014 -- A Nebraska teen allegedly forces a woman out of her stick shift car at gunpoint, then finds himself unable to back out of the driveway.

  • JANUARY 2014 -- Three men allegedly try to steal a car from a food delivery driver at knifepoint, then give up when they see the manual transmission, settling to get away with only some stolen dinner. 

  • FEBRUARY 2011 -- A gun-wielding Colorado man allegedly attempts to steal a woman’s car, then can't get the vehicle in gear.

These reports are nearly indistinguishable from an Onion article on the same issue, and these are just a small handful of the incidents that made the news.

Carjackers, you need to get it together. Everyone else, forget that fancy car alarm system. A stick shift might just be the best security you can get.

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