College Students Honestly Confused About How to Get Completely Sh*t-Faced Without Four Loko

Four Loko, which contains 12% alcohol and various forms of high-caffeine supplements, has provided an easy path to "blacking out" -- an event that once took a honest night of binge drinking and dabbling in various life-threatening drugs.
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In beverage news, with Four Loko being banned in cities and states across the nation, college students everywhere were baffled about how to get completely shit-faced without it. Four Loko, which contains 12% alcohol and various forms of high-caffeine supplements, has provided an easy path to "blacking out" -- an event that once took a honest night of binge drinking and dabbling in various life-threatening drugs.

"When I couldn't buy any Four Loko last night, I didn't know how to get blitzed out of my fucking mind," said a sophomore at the University of Tennessee. "One of my boys, who's a history major, said people once used 'beer' to get hammered--but none of us knew where to get 'beer' or how to consume it. We ended up just doing homework and studying for our respective exams. It was all very disappointing and unfortunately, too productive."

According to sources, the creators of Four Loko are experimenting with a new drink that will hopefully make emergency rooms "the new spot for after-bars."

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