I'm a fierce Obama supporter but the President and his 80%+ approval rating doesn't seem to need my help. Those Republicans bring out my inner co-dependent, though. Such a self destructive mess.
And Bobby Jindal....oh, Bobby. You poor thing. If you had not have fallen, I would not have found you. Come let me spoon you and stroke your hair. I will fix you.
See, to a co-dependent a Cute First Meeting story goes like this; "Well, I was walking past the rehab clinic and she was hunched over the curb and her sweat pants had a large stain the shape of Michigan on them from where she had urinated all over herself but the light caught the spittle hanging from the foamy side of her mouth JUST right and BAM! I just KNEW she had potential and that if I could buy her back from her pimp and get the two of them divorced then by golly....we'd be happy together forever!"
Bobby, sweet Bobby. You have that same potential...
You had a Cute First Meeting with America, didn't you? From the moment you skulked out from the shadows and opened your pretty little mouth, you had us all under your magic spell. You know, magic like trains that float on air and mountains that shoot fire. Millions of us spent the next day saying your catch phrase, our voices filled with wonder...
Republicans Can Fuck Up ANNNYTHING!
So, I'm here to help. Don't worry - you can accept my help because I'm not from the government. No, I'm a private citizen with lots of bad advice. That means if you pin a silver badge to my nuts, spin me around three times, and then punch me in the forehead with an American flag I'm officially a GOP Consultant. Smack my ass and put me on Fox News!
Bobby, you are now America's clown. That's just the fact. You're lucky that Jay and Conan aren't working this week, although Jay did show up at NBC today and I swear it was just to write jokes about you. You performed so badly that Roland Burris wants to throw a fund raiser for you.
First step back to Jindal '12 : size yourself up honestly. Look in a mirror and admit what we all know. You're a buffoon. An idiot. In the words of Stork from Animal House, you're a mo-ron.
Don't fight it. Resistance is futile. Go with the flow.
You're a joke and jokes belong on TV. I know you're afraid to appear on camera again but experts say that's EXACTLY what you need to do. For instance, if someone is arrested for drunk driving, the worst thing they can do is give up. They need to pick themselves up, get drunk right away and get right back on the road.
My first Jindal placement would be 30 Rock. Not original but give the people what they want. You'd be Kenneth's cousin, Piyush The Page - mild mannered at first but by the second commercial break, wacky mayhem ensues as you tried to oust Jeff Zucker before you're stopped by a well timed sexual assault from Tracy Morgan.
I can help you get on 30 Rock, too! You may not know this, but Emmy award winning actor Alec Baldwin also writes for the Huffington Post and that means that I see him every day down in the HuffPost Lunchroom. I'm not allowed to sit at his table, of course. Unwritten rules and all that. I'm usually sitting at the corner table with Bob Cesca, Cliff Schecter and Chez Pazienza. But I could try to slip Mr. Baldwin a note and put in a word for you. I let him cut in line once on Fajita Day and I'm pretty sure he remembers me because he said I could call him "Mr. Baldwin" and borrowed a pear from me.
If 30 Rock won't have you and SNL turns you down and Doctor Phil won't kick Octomom out of his Loser Mansion or whatever he calls it, that's fine. We go straight to YouTube.
The possibilities on YouTube are unlimited. We could have you do a bunch of different crazy dances. We could put you in a tight fitting t-shirt have you do a response to a speech by Obama Girl.
Hell, Bobby - we could do our OWN 30 Rock parody with Sarah Palin as Tina Fey and Michael Steele as Tracy Morgan and Mr. Baldwin as whatever he wants to be. That would be a twist - politicians parodying the parodiers!
And the public would love you, man. You'd be a regular guy, willing to laugh at himself. You'd be the kind of dude that people could picture themselves hanging with; throwing back a cold one or putting a padlock on a loose woman's uterus or performing an exorcism on a pesky neighbor.
Can't you hear it now?
"That Bobby Jindal, man, he's all effing right. I thought he was a total dinkydoo when I first seen him on the TV but now I subscribe to his YouTubes and he Twitters me jokes when a scientist says some gooblygook and damn, I dunno...he's all effing right!"
Don't stop believin'! Because the pendulum swings, Bobby. Times change. In a few years, people will be sick of competence, coherence and the ability to talk good.
And you'll be right there waiting, my sweet spicy succulent little Bobby Jindal, you.