MEDIA
04/19/2018 04:53 pm ET

How To Write A Comeback Story About An Alleged Sexual Predator

Please don’t -- but if you must, here’s a guide to writing the most unnecessary stories of the Me Too movement.
The articles no one needed, but we're getting anyway.
Getty
The articles no one needed, but we're getting anyway.

It’s been six whole months since the first public allegations against Harvey Weinstein kicked off the Me Too movement. That’s half a year of introspection, important dialogue and frightened men worrying that feminist harpies/witch hunters have killed office romance forever.

Naturally, a handful of the most high-profile accused sexual predators are ready to make their triumphant returns.

Some might believe that six months is a pitifully short amount of time to spend outside the spotlight, forced to retreat into a multi-million dollar home to think about the women you’ve harmed over the course of years or even decades. But the menz are sad and the media loves a comeback story, so here we are.

If you find yourself wondering whether you, too, should write about a sad man overcoming his wealth and loneliness to regain his former glory, perhaps … don’t.

But if you push past the inner voice telling you no one wants or needs to read that story and maybe it’s best to direct time, energy and monetary resources elsewhere, we’ve put together a handy-dandy editorial guide.

Set the scene ― preferably on a bad-weather day, when X alleged sexual predator is dining at a ritzy restaurant and/or hotel.

“On the night of April 2, Charlie Rose walked into Gabriel’s Bar & Restaurant, a Lincoln Center eatery that’s popular among New York’s media elite.” (The Hollywood Reporter on Charlie Rose, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting 11 women.)

“Notoriety won’t stop you from getting a table at Omar at Vaucluse on the Upper East Side. It might even help.” (Page Six on Matt Lauer, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting up to eight women.)

“On a gloomy Friday afternoon in February, Mario Batali sat down for coffee at the Marlton Hotel, a few blocks from Babbo, his restaurant in Greenwich Village.” (The New York Times on Mario Batali, who has been accused of sexual misconduct by eight women.)  

Mention X alleged sexual predator’s sprawling real estate holdings, specifically the property he retreated to in shame after being publicly accused of sexual assault/misconduct/harassment and from which he will now emerge like a butterfly from its chrysalis.

“Lauer is said to be testing the waters for a public comeback by coming out of hiding from his Hamptons home.” (Page Six on Lauer, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting up to eight women.)   

“Rose decamped to his four-bedroom, 5,500-square-foot Long Island home in Bellport, from January through much of March.” (The Hollywood Reporter on Rose, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting 11 women.)

Remind readers that X alleged sexual predator has been very sad and lonely without his lucrative career and widespread public adoration.

“Dressed in a dark suit, Rose projected dishevelment: his hair messy, his notebook’s pages askew, his gait shuffling. He headed to his table by himself and completed his dinner alone in under an hour. Previously one to take his time and glad-hand, Rose beat a hasty retreat. Perhaps out of a desire to give a struggling man his space — or worse, as a sign of indifference — no one in the restaurant approached Rose nor seemed to notice him.” (The Hollywood Reporter on Rose, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting 11 women.)

Ask the big question.

“Is a comeback from such disgrace possible?” (The New York Times on Batali, who has been accused of sexual misconduct by eight women.)

“...the question is not really whether C.K. will eventually come back but when, where and how.” (The Hollywood Reporter on Louis C.K., who has been accused of sexual misconduct by five women.)

Remind readers that X alleged sexual predator once apologized.

“Mr. Batali, 57, said he didn’t recall all the reported episodes, but immediately apologized.” (The New York Times on Batali, who has been accused of sexual misconduct by eight women.)

“On Nov. 20, when salacious details of his alleged sexual misconduct surfaced, he issued a Twitter apology that admitted errors in judgment but stopped short of a full mea culpa. ‘I deeply apologize for my inappropriate behavior,’ he wrote.” (The Hollywood Reporter on Rose, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting 11 women.)

Be sure to name drop the Very Powerful People who are speaking to and counseling X alleged sexual predator. If you can quote said Very Powerful People, even better!

“Disgraced Matt Lauer dined with sporting-goods king Mitch Modell. (Page Six on Lauer, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting up to eight women.)

“‘[Charlie] plays tennis most mornings, which I think keeps him in shape and together,’ says Daily Beast co-founder and author Tina Brown, who says she has reached out to Rose in recent months.” (The Hollywood Reporter on Rose, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting 11 women.)

“Christine C. Quinn, whom Mr. Batali supported during her 2013 run for New York City mayor, is now the president and chief executive of Win, the city’s largest provider of shelter for homeless families. She is a friend of Mr. Batali’s, and one of the advisers he sought out this winter.” (The New York Times on Batali, who has been accused of sexual misconduct by eight women.)

“Rose has dined at Cipriani with power couple Joel Klein and Nicole Seligman — Klein is ex-chancellor of the New York City public school system and a top executive at insurance company Oscar Health; his wife, Seligman, is the former president of Sony Corporation of America.”  (The Hollywood Reporter on Rose, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting 11 women.)

“‘I don’t think people want this to be a life sentence,’ says Comedy Cellar owner Noam Dworman.” (The Hollywood Reporter on Louis C.K., who has been accused of sexual misconduct by five women.)

Drive home that X alleged sexual predator has been doing some serious *~self-reflection.~* Restorative justice achieved!

“Mr. Batali is examining what he has called his blind spots and considering how life might look when he is not, as he told one person he consulted over the winter, ‘the lead singer.’” (The New York Times on Batali, who has been accused of sexual misconduct by eight women.)

“With his marriage to Annette Roque now over, he’s ready to restart his life, pals say.” (Page Six on Lauer, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting up to eight women.)

“Rose has taken on his ultimate assignment: ‘He’s one of the best interviewers in our lifetime, and he is now asking questions of himself.’” (The Hollywood Reporter on Rose, who has been accused of sexually harassing or assaulting 11 women.)

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