Companies To Avoid If You Don't Want To Fund The Apocalypse

11/15/2016 03:20 pm ET Updated Nov 27, 2016
Image by Win McNamee / Getty Images

Donald Trump is going to be the leader of the free world. You have to say this to yourself every day, multiple times a day, otherwise you forget, and then suddenly you see a tweet or a New York Times alert or CNN live stream and it’s like finding out for the first time all over again. (Unless you’ve been a victim of one of the many hate crimes in the U.S. since Trump’s win, then it’s not as easy to forget.)

“This isn’t an episode of Black Mirror,” you tell yourself, even though the first episode of Season 3 was about an anxious redhead desperate to find her place in the world and so now you’re pretty sure the show’s producers have access to your laptop and are trying to deliberately fuck very specifically with you.

When you run into your downstairs neighbor while she’s walking her dog, you slowly shake your heads at one another, like you’ve both lost a mutual friend, suddenly, after just seeing them the night before. You cry as you bite into another cupcake with pantsuit-shaped icing.

It was white women. It was racism. It was sexism. Liberals need to understand the white working class. The white working class needs to understand literally everyone else. Everyone needs to find a way to communicate, without being condescending, so misinformation can’t destroy elections.

Unfortunately no matter the specific cause(s) behind the Trump upset, he’s still going to be president. Save for the very slim possibility a Change.org petition prompts the Electoral College voters to change their minds. So now that we accept this as reality, we can get ahead of a Trump presidency by donating to anti-bigotry and pro-women organizations, joining and organizing protests, making our congressmen listen, and boycotting companies that support Trump and his administration, which is so far composed of Steve Bannon, who’s dedicated his life’s work to misogynistic, homophobic, and racist conspiracy theories, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, who basically is the swamp that Trump talked about draining, and climate-change skeptic Myron Ebell who will lead the Environmental Protection Agency transition.

Below are a few of these Trump-loving companies, working hard to Make America Great Again at the expense of basic human decency, and places you can give your business to instead.

America’s oldest beer Yuengling endorsed America’s oldest (and most unqualified) president-elect. In October this year, 73-year-old Richard “Dick” Yuengling Jr., fifth-generation owner of the brewery, really lived up to his nickname when he told Eric Trump, “Our guys are behind your father. We need him in there.”

I’m not sure what Dick is complaining about, he’s a billionaire whose beer company generates $550 million a year. But it doesn’t surprise me that the oldest men in America who make the oldest beer in America want to return the country to a time that more closely resembles the good ’ol days, when the brewery first opened in 1829. Women and minorities were property and crazed white people were stampeding for gold.

Here’s a list of beers to drink instead of Yuegling. But be careful because Pete Coors, chairman of MillerCoors, supports Trump and held campaign fundraisers for the president-elect, and his company owns a lot of beers. Switch to wine. Or absinthe. Get a prescription for something strong and make sure it’ll last long after Obamacare’s repealed.

If you’re looking for a comfortable shoe to slip on and RUN FAR, FAR AWAY FROM HERE, maybe don’t go for New Balances. The company’s VP of public affairs said, “The Obama administration turned a deaf ear to us and frankly with President-elect Trump, we feel things are going to move in the right direction.”

What direction is that exactly? Directly toward the seventh circle of hell? In response, some alt-right site named them the “Official Shoes of White People,” which is exactly what they deserve. New Balance was offended and issued a statement saying the company “does not tolerate bigotry or hate in any form.” Unless, of course, it’s in the form of a human block of pimento cheese. The shoe company’s executives oppose the Trans-Pacific Partnership and seem to think Trump, who outsources all of his manufacturing to Asia, will make it more affordable for companies to keep jobs in the U.S. Guess we’ll see!

Buy literally any other shoe. Even “toe shoes.”

Having spent hours wandering the vast, cavernous isles of Home Depot while my girlfriend debates between two slightly different shades of white paint, I’ve known what it’s like to never want to go back there. Now you will too. Home Depot co-founder Bernie Marcus said he “stands with” Trump in an essay for RealClear Politics, where he writes about a democratic election like a fucked up chess match. “Clinton will push the court leftward for generations,” he writes. “She must be stopped.”

Marcus wants Trump to dismantle Frank-Dodd, which was put in place by the Obama administration after the Great Recession to prevent banks from making risky loans and lending money they don’t have, and from investing in private hedge funds or trading operations for their own profit—you know, all the things they did that led to the collapse of the U.S. economy in 2008.

Loan balances at community banks grew 8.8 percent in 2015, almost twice the rate of bigger banks, according to The Wall Street Journal, but Marcus isn’t worried about small banks or small business. He called Occupy Wall Street an “imbecile attack on the one percent.” So all you Bernie voters who wanted to buck the system by voting for Gary Fucking Johnson, congrats! I hope you’re happy.

So, fuck Home Depot. Go to Lowes instead. My girlfriend says it’s cleaner and better anyway.

“The best way to handle life is with one cup of cocoa at a time,” according to a painted piece of wood on Hobby Lobby’s Instagram. Fuck your cocoa. And your seasonal home accents, you sick scrapbooking sons of bitches. All the mosaics in the world don’t make up for the fact that your CEO David Green supports Donald Grabs-Them-By-The-Pussy J. Trump. At least we can count down the slow minutes until our deaths with your cool “industrial farmhouse” windmill clock.

Green thinks Trump will save “religious freedom," otherwise known as his freedom to not provide birth control for his employees. Have you ever met a couple who uses the rhythm method? I have. And then I met their 17 children.

Have some goddamn respect for yourself and don’t build your diorama with materials bought from a company owned by people who support the proliferation of racism, sexual assault, xenophobia, the deportation and incarceration of millions of people, and the repeal of Roe vs. Wade, forcing women to travel to other states if they need an abortion, or if they’re poor, to have the baby despite not having the means to raise a child.

Pay Pal co-founder Peter Thiel is likely to be appointed to Trump’s transition team. And this guy is the fucking worst. Not only does he whole-heartedly support the most dangerous president in U.S. history, but he’s also responsible for closing Gawker Media by funding Hulk Hogan’s lawsuit against the company. Thiel shut down an entire media organization because they said something he didn’t like. (They acknowledged his sexuality.) And when America elects as their president a corrupt, racist, sexist, fascist who wants to limit the First Amendment and regularly attacks the press, you need more sites like Gawker. It should terrify all of us that we live in a society where unlimited wealth equates to unlimited power.

Use Venmo. Or better yet, get your debit card, go to an ATM, take out all the cash you have, and stuff it under your mattress, because there is no way things are going to get better from here.

This team has so much to be proud of. Whatever happens tonight, thank you for everything.

A photo posted by Hillary Clinton (@hillaryclinton) on

We can’t do much to prevent Trump from becoming president, but we can ban together and financially impact any institution that directly supports him and his tiny little pussy-grabbing hands. Together we can let them know that it’s not only morally fucked up to be bigoted, it’s also bad for business.

In the mean time, I’ll be chugging PBR in the plant isle of Lowe’s wearing Toms, Venmo’ing all my friends money for poster board that they bought at Michael’s to make signs to take to an anti-Trump protest because none of this is okay.

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