CULTURE & ARTS
08/05/2016 12:41 pm ET

A Definitive Ranking Of Every 'Bailey School Kids' Book Ever Written

Yes, we're talking about THAT '90s book series about vampires, werewolves and mermaids.
Scholastic

The ‘90s was a great a decade for serialized literature of the young adult variety. Think: “The Baby-Sitters Club,” “Goosebumps,” “The Magic Tree House,” later editions of “Encyclopedia Brown.” If I was addicted to anything as an elementary schooler, it was a book title that started with “#” and was readily available via that tissue-paper catalog of Scholastic titles teachers handed out every few weeks. 

And it really didn’t matter how ridiculous the premise of the series seemed. Authors Marcia T. Jones and Debbie Dadey started their own in 1990, and most millennials will recognize the first few books by their comically random titles: Dracula Doesn’t Drink LemonadeWerewolves Don’t Go to Summer Camp, Ghosts Don’t Eat Potato Chips. There it is: “The Bailey School Kids.”

The kids at Bailey School never expected their teachers, camp counselors, babysitters, coaches, neighborhood eccentrics or any adult not immediately related to them to be supernatural creatures, but they always were. After dozens of books, you’d think the school district would wise up to the fact that it was employing and engaging with a significant percentage of undead or mythologized people, but it did not. 

How many times did it fail to recognize the early signs of Dracula’s presence, a wizard’s veiled intentions, or a literal dragon? At least 51 times. Below, a definitive ranking of every book in “The Adventures of the Bailey School Kids” series:

Scholastic

51. Werewolves Don’t Go to Summer Camp

OK, it seems like a fair assumption. 

50. Cupid Doesn’t Flip Hamburgers

He shoots arrows and acts cherubic, duh.

49. Leprechauns Don’t Play Basketball

Heightism.

48. Hercules Doesn’t Pull Teeth

I don’t know, it would be an incredibly realistic thing for him to do.

47. Elves Don’t Wear Hard Hats

Only hats with bells.

46. Genies Don’t Ride Bicycles

K.

45. Giants Don’t Go Snowboarding

Big feet, I get it.

Scholastic

44. Dracula Doesn’t Play Kickball

Kickball is typically played during the day. Dracula cannot play kickball.

43. Wizards Don’t Wear Graduation Gowns

But, like, they wear something suspiciously close, right?

42. Witches Don’t Do Backflips

I have to disagree here.

41. Ghouls Don’t Scoop Ice Cream

Lactose intolerant.

40. Knights Don’t Teach Piano

They’re too loud. Armor.

39. Santa Claus Doesn’t Mop Floors

Seems like he should, IMO.

Scholastic

38. Bogeymen Don’t Play Football

But the idea of a bogeymen football team is amusing. 

37. Dragons Don’t Cook Pizza

Not for lack of heat, though. Obvious.

36. Pirates Don’t Wear Pink Sunglasses

Do pirates count as mythical creatures?

35. Phantoms Don’t Drive Sports Cars

Only modest family vehicles.

34. Frankenstein Doesn’t Plant Petunias

Thus begins a string of Frankenstein scenarios.

33. Frankenstein Doesn’t Slam Hockey Pucks

Bad wrists.

32. Frankenstein Doesn’t Start Food Fights

Dr. Frankenstein is rolling in his grave RN. 

Scholastic

31. The Bride of Frankenstein Doesn’t Bake Cookies

She’s gluten-free. Sure.

30. Monsters Don’t Scuba Dive

Too broad. Next.

29. Aliens Don’t Wear Braces

Can we fact-check this?

28. Mummies Don’t Coach Softball

Deceased humans cannot play softball, let alone coach.

27. Angels Don’t Know Karate

Dubious.

26. Trolls Don’t Ride Roller Coasters

Me neither.

25. Goblins Don’t Play Video Games

Gotta ask Jareth the Goblin King about this one.

24. Werewolves Don’t Run for President

To date, no.

Scholastic

23. Ninjas Don’t Bake Pumpkin Pies

Points for sheer arbitrariness.

22. Vikings Don’t Wear Wrestling Belts

Because they are not wrestlers. So it checks out.

21. Dragons Don’t Throw Snowballs

Too hot.

20. Gremlins Don’t Chew Bubble Gum

Points for the visual.

19. Gargoyles Don’t Drive School Buses

They sit atop French cathedrals.

18. Bigfoot Doesn’t Square Dance

It does seem very unlikely.

17. Wolfmen Don’t Hula Dance

I wish it were wolvesmen.

Scholastic

16. The Abominable Snowman Doesn’t Roast Marshmallows

But it’d be cute.

15. Ghosts Don’t Ride Wild Horses

Domesticated are OK.

14. Robots Don’t Catch Chicken Pox

Impossible!

13. Dracula Doesn’t Rock and Roll

He neither rocks, nor does he roll.

12. Sea Serpents Don’t Juggle Water Balloons

This is evocative.

11. Werewolves Don’t Go to Summer Camp

Can’t stand sleepovers.

Scholastic

10. Martians Don’t Take Temperatures

Is this, like, a mercury-on-Mars situation?

9. Dracula Doesn’t Drink Lemonade

Only blood. We know this.

8. Zombies Don’t Play Soccer

Too dead.

7. Cyclops Doesn’t Roller-Skate

Lack of peripheral vision, guys.

6. Skeletons Don’t Play Tubas

No diaphragm.

5. Ghosts Don’t Eat Potato Chips

Casper couldn’t.

Scholastic

4. Mermaids Don’t Run Track

Ridiculous, because tails.

3. Wizards Don’t Need Computers

They don’t. This is proven.

2. Vampires Don’t Wear Polka Dots

Classic and seemingly true. 

1. Unicorns Don’t Give Sleigh Rides

Bam.

 

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