(1) Donald Trump once again (2) during a speech he gave yesterday (3). "(4)," Trump said, which immediately resulted in (5). He followed this up by (6) and threatening to (7). Despite, or perhaps because of this latest incident, Trump is still (8). "Trump is simply (9)," said Harold Abeelures, a (10)." Meanwhile, the other fifteen Republican candidates are trying to (11) before the August 6th (12). "Mr. Trump continues to (13)," said Malina Yaterole, campaign manager for (14). And though few believe Trump will actually (15), it is clear he is not (16).
1. Presidential contender; Billionaire; Inexplicable Republican frontrunner; Empyrean gasbag
2. stirred up controversy; made headlines; gazed adoringly into a mirror; did something so spectacularly beyond the pale that even supporters scratched their heads and went "Ruh-roh"
3. in New York; in Bonnie and Clyde's car; shortly before having his hairpiece simonized; that subsequently received more television coverage than the entire Iraq War
4. I hate Lithuanians; Mayans are stupid and so was their calendar; Poor people smell funny; Louis Zamperini was a pussy; I will re-animate Godzilla and send him to attack Japan
5. even more television coverage; angry protests from poor Lithuanians; Williams-Sonoma dropping Trump's line of Mayan ceramic griddles; Godzilla releasing a humorous YouTube video of himself destroying Trump Plaza
6. blaming the media; promising to bring back jobs from the Maldives; making Dennis Rodman his economic advisor; giving out Reince Priebus' and Rick Perry's social security and pin numbers
7. run as a third-party candidate; sue Univision for ten billion dollars for canceling Sábado Gigante; hold the next Miss USA pageant on the moon; buy Guadalajara
8. leading in national polls; depressing us all mightily; making Democrats feel cocky while they secretly pray Elizabeth Warren will enter the race; absolutely sure Godzilla will attack Japan because Godzilla loves him
9. tapping into voter anger; doing what he does; incapable of rational thought; jerking off to the delight of crowds he paid for
10. political analyst; media pundit; hit man for El Chapo; guy in our office we ask about things when we need quotes for our stories
11. get their messages to voters; kill a basket of kittens to gain media attention; convince Joe Biden to run; inject Trump with anthrax
12. Republican debate; two-hour freak show; star-spangled fuckpile; sad reminder that we have fifteen months more of this shit to endure
13. reflect badly on Republicans; help the Democrats; baffle most sentient beings; live in a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man
14. Jeb Bush; Marco Rubio, Carly Fiorina; does it really matter
15. secure the Republican nomination; reveal his plan to destroy ISIS with giant cybernetic monkeys; put his wife Melania on the ten-dollar bill if he is elected
16. going away soon; going away; going away ever; going away, oh good God, ever ever ever