POLITICS
08/10/2016 09:31 pm ET

Is Donald Trump A Never-Nude?

A brief and truncated investigation.

Eat The Press: Hey, did I read a story that Donald Trump doesn’t like to be seen naked and so he makes Melania leave the room when he is undressing, or did I dream that?

Editor: Ha, wut?

Eat The Press: I seem to remember reading somewhere recently that he does this, but I can’t find it.

Editor: No idea.

Eat The Press: Okay, but if I am right, then Trump is, potentially, a never-nude. Which is pretty big! Do you have a contact with the Trump campaign that will still talk to us? Because I can make inquiries.

Editor: No.

Eat The Press: No you don’t have a contact, or no I cannot make these inquiries?

Editor: No contact.

Eat The Press: What about that Michael Cohen guy?

Editor: There is really no point in asking the campaign to help you find or confirm this. First, they do not talk to us. Second, they would never talk to anyone about this.

Eat The Press: I kind of feel like you are stifling a legitimate journalistic inquiry.

Editor: Ha.

Eat The Press: It makes me wonder if maybe you just want this truth buried.

Editor: I don’t.

Eat The Press: Here is the story!  The key passage is from a “controversial biography” titled Lost Tycoon.

“The funny thing is, there’s a side of Donald that not even [Marla] has seen. She has never seen him completely naked—at least almost never—because he won’t let her. Whenever they’re about to have sex, he makes her go into the bathroom while he gets undressed. As soon as he takes off his clothes, he jumps into the bed and pulls up the covers. She knows that he’s ashamed to show her what a flabby old body he has. He has no idea that just makes him seem cuter and more cuddly to her.”

Eat The Press: I think this really humanizes him, don’t you think?

Eat The Press: You there?

Editor: Sorry, was eating dinner with [REDACTED].

Eat The Press: Cool, what does she think about this story?

Editor: Nothing.

Eat The Press: I have to say I’m a little surprised. But what do you think about this?

Editor: Jason, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What do you wanna do with this?

Eat The Press: I’ll come up with something.

Do you know if Donald Trump is a never-nude? Email me.

The Huffington Post

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Jason Linkins edits “Eat The Press” for The Huffington Post and co-hosts the HuffPost Politics podcast “So, That Happened.” Subscribe here, and listen to the latest episode below.

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