COMEDY
04/28/2017 01:37 pm ET Updated Apr 29, 2017

Donald Trump's Diary Is A Window Into His First 100 Days In Office

Dear diary ...
Illustration: Alyssa Spatola / HuffPost

Nov 13, 2016 (Day -68)

I picked Reince Priebus for Chief of Staff and Steve Bannon for Counselor to me. Bannon wanted my soul in exchange, but I lost that a long time ago! Anyway, I gave him Barron’s. Barron, Bannon, Barron, Bannon ― haha, that’s funny.

Nov 18, 2016 (Day -63)

I nominated General Flynn as National Security Advisor! I think he’s going to do great. He seems eager for spring to get here so he can get to work. He says those Russian winters have really taken a toll on him!

Nov 24, 2016 (Day -57)

Happy Thanksgiving! So much to be thankful for this year: my family is healthy, my business is booming, and these burner cellphones from the Kremlin get great reception in DC.

Dec 25, 2016 (Day -26) 

Happy birthday, Jesus! I try to follow your teachings every day. Like when I slap someone, I always turn their other cheek and slap that one too! That always delivers results.

Jan 20, 2017 (Day 1)

Became president today! And so many people came out to see it! Oh, who am I kidding, it wasn’t a lot ... IT WAS THE MOST PEOPLE TO EVER WITNESS ANYTHING EVER.

Jan 28, 2017 (Day 9)

Everyone keeps calling this a Muslim ban, but it’s not! And besides, this Muslim ban is important for the security of our country!

Jan 30, 2017 (Day 11)

Fired Attorney General Sally Yates! I walked up to her in front of everyone and was like, “Sally, you’re FIRED.” And then I looked into the camera and my smile glinted. The ratings were incredibly high.

Feb 13, 2017 (Day 25)

Michael Flynn resigned today. I knew he would! I don’t know who picked that guy, probably leftover from Obama! Anyway, this is all part of the ultimate plan, which I won’t bother you with here.

Met with Canadian PM Justin Trudeau today. Mrs. Donald Trudeau ...

Calamity_John via Getty Images

Feb 17, 2017 (Day 29)

The polls say my approval rating is below 40 ... Fantastic! With the amount of time I spend on the golf course, I’m sure to shave even more strokes off that!

Feb 28, 2017 (Day 41)

First speech to Congress! Man, I killed it. I got to look Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer right in their dumb, stupid faces and tell them it’s time to put an end to petty insults.

Mar 2, 2017 (Day 43)

Jeff Sessions says he met with the Russian ambassador before the election. This isn’t good. Why wouldn’t Vlady tell me about this?

Besides, I didn’t think Jeff was even old enough to drive. I thought I was hiring a hip youngster who was just prematurely graying.

Mar 4, 2017 (Day 44)

Obama tapped my phones! And who knows what else! I was making a Hot Pocket yesterday and when I opened the microwave, I swear I heard someone whisper, “Careful, it’s hot.”

Mar 20, 2017 (Day 61)

The FBI is investigating me! Ooooh, I’m really scared! If I had a dollar for every time I was investigated, I’d be as rich as I claim to be!

Mar 21, 2017 (Day 62)

Get ready for Obamacare to finally get repealed! It’s gonna get repealed so hard your head will spin, and you’ll need the coverage provided by Obamacare to get your head fixed. But you won’t have it, because it’s getting repealed!

Mar 26, 2017 (Day 67)

Why is everyone giving me such a hard time on repealing Obamacare. I never said we were going repeal it! Show me where I said that! God, sometimes I just wish Vladimir had never given me this job.

Mar 30, 2017 (Day 71)

Everyone gives me a hard time about my tweeting. Listen, maybe I’m a little aggressive, but that’s just the confidence that made me so successful in bankruptcies. But I’m sad ― SAD! ― that people don’t recognize the poetry in some of my tweets.

Like these:

”Democrats are smiling,” “Ocare,” “Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd” ― those are the special touches I use to paint the picture. MSM totally ignores the art! Pathetic!

Apr 6, 2017 (Day 77)

I just had the most delicious chocolate cake you’ve ever seen. So moist and fluffy, the layers impeccably assembled, and the frosting was like your mouth getting into a pair of silk Trump-brand pajamas. It was spectacular.

Also, bombed Syria.

Apr 17, 2017 (Day 88)

We held the White House Easter Egg Roll today and it went off without a hitch! I’ll bet it was the most successful in the event’s history.

I destroyed all those kids in the race and found every hidden egg before the kids even got a chance to look. You should have seen their faces ― SAD! Definitely grabbed the most eggs of any president ever.

Apr 26, 2017 (Day 97)

Unveiled a bold new tax plan today! I had to ask Steve what a tax was, but I’m confident that this is the best plan for one of those that has ever been drafted! 

Apr 29, 2017 (Day 100)

Phew, almost got the buttons on my desk mixed up today! 

Illustration: Andy McDonald / HuffPost Photos: Getty
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BEFORE YOU GO

PHOTO GALLERY
Best Photos From Trump's First 100 Days
CONVERSATIONS