After spending time preparing my thoughts for this week's momentous 200 post, I realized something. This is not my 200 post.
To create a new series of classes, I was reviewing my posts for concepts, ideas, and stories to include. It was during this review that I realized a post had been duplicated. I had started Best Laid Plans as Post 168 but made it live as Post 169. So much for best laid plans!
In the past, my Type-A personality would have come out to attack my lack of perfectionism. I would have struggled with how to handle this mistake. Should I renumber my posts? Should I write one now but list it as the missing 168? Should I change the date of my 200 posting? Do I have to go through the other hundred posts to ensure there are not more missing posts?
Thank goodness my brain doesn't work that way anymore. This incident brings back memories of when I was in the cloudy pain of my Type-A days. One small mistake was the end of the world. Any error sent me into weeks of apologies and months of personal torment. Every action I took could be the next reason I was less than. I lived in constant fear of being found out as incompetent. My worth was so tied to what I accomplished that any minor fubar could deem me unworthy and unloveable. I was in a constant state of fear. My mind was always cloudy from the stress I put myself under. I was unhappy and unfulfilled.
Now, I laugh off this incident and see an opportunity to teach. I enjoy the irony of "best laid plans" being the post that was duplicated. My inherent worth is untouched by my actions. My mind remains clear. Any guilt or humiliation is non-existent. I am alive. I am happy. I am content. I am full.
Let's pretend that this is my 200 post over the last eight years. In looking back it is so easy to see how my writing and I have changed. My first posts are clunky in concept and writing skills. These first ones had to be reviewed by my husband or friends to ensure my meaning was getting across. Over time I learned to be more vulnerable. Working with my book editor improved my writing abilities. Taking more risks in my life and growing my awareness gave me stronger content to share. Thanks for staying the journey with me, making it through the good posts and bad, looking past my English skills to my intention, and sharing with me on more than one occasion how my words were exactly what you needed to hear.
I would love to know your favorite posts. What are the ones you remember? Here are a few of my favorites:
Thank you so much for tuning in frequently to read and comment on what I have written. I am truly grateful to know that my words make a difference to you. Share with us your favorites and be sure to tune in next week for what may actually be my 200 post.