Foreplay That Can Save Your Relationship

03/16/2017 08:04 pm ET Updated Mar 20, 2017

There are two types of foreplay. Both lead to the bedroom but one can save your relationship.

In our society, foreplay is commonly thought of as certain sexual acts that come before the act of intercourse itself. Acts like oral sex, manual stimulation, heavy petting and kissing, are traditionally what we have come to think of foreplay, a physical precursor between two people, specifically meant to increase sexual arousal, that leads into the act of intercourse and ultimately leading to climax. BORING.

As a sex-positive therapist, I am here to challenge this concept of foreplay to help you not just have better sex, but to in fact extend the shelf life of your relationship. I'd like to suggest that things like kissing, oral sex, manual stimulation should actually be considered sex, are under the umbrella of SEX as a whole, and are sexual interactions, as they involve physical intimacy. So don’t be afraid to have a makeout session and yes, call it sex. Have a heavy petting moment on the couch with clothes and call it sex. Get rid of the idea that sex must include intercourse, and must involve orgasm. That’s so goal oriented, it is making your sex life boring.

So what is foreplay? It is everything else. It is all the sweet, sexy, romantic, loving things you tell your partner on a regular basis. It’s all the rauncy, dirty, kinky thoughts you have throughout your day that you share with your partner. It’s the texts that he sends you throughout the day to remind you how hot he thinks you are and what he wants to do to you. It’s the dirty sext she sends you randomly, and inappropriately, while you are in a meeting. This is all foreplay. In this way of thinking, foreplay actually starts from the minute you wake up and continues on throughout the days, weeks, month.. culminating sometimes in sex (which is going to also happen more often now that your reperotoire of sex includes so much more than intercourse and orgasm) and continues to build and grow, interwoven in our days.

Wikipedia continues to say that foreplay is..."Any act that creates and enhances sexual stimulation between the sex partners may constitute foreplay, including kissing, touching, embracing, talking, and teasing (teasing, in this case, may include methods of satisfaction, such as erotic sexual denial). Don’t listen to Wikipedia, because starting today you know that all of that stuff is part of the sex act itself. Foreplay is something entirely different.

Too often, I hear couples complaining that they are bored. That sex is rote. If we change our concept about sex, and foreplay and start to incorporate a little more raunch, dirt, sex and kink into our daily language and communication with our partner we may start to feel like having sex with each other again.

Those very words spoken to each other as you are getting ready to go to work, is what the two of you will remember all day. Just because you have to rush off, feed the kids and take them to school and he is late for his board meeting, doesn’t mean you can’t flash him a boob while telling him your thinking about his manhood. Just because there is absolutely no time for sex until date night on Saturday night does not mean your day today and every day cannot be gently infused with visions of bouncing breasts, nipples, cockrings, feathers lingerie, leather, whips, or whatever you are into, or just a reminder that someone still thinks you are f***ing hot and wants to do really bad things to you.

Here is the deal:

1) Small communications that let each other know how much you desire them can do wonders, bring a smile to their face, butterflies to the stomach, a tingle to the spine and yes, maybe even to down there. Leaving little post it notes that he/she can read when you are not around, voice mails, emails, text messages with romantic, appreciative, sexy and dirty words and phrases can let a warm glow into someone's stressful or even humdrum day and leave them eager to arrive home to see you. No, it might not lead to intercourse tonight, but maybe a hot make out sesh. And, maybe intercourse does not even happen this weekend, because we all lead busy lives, but that is not the point. The point is to build excitment and hold it there. Like an orgam teetering on the brink of explosion, hold it there and don’t let it drop. It will cause you to think about your partner more, it is likely to prevent your heart and mind from swaying or wandering when you two are busy with projects outside the home, it will actually make you miss and yes, desire your partner. Couples who actually spend less time together, have a chance to miss each other, and are more likely to stay together if there is a strong connection, and of course desire.

2) Body language is important in foreplay too. A smile, a subtle wink, a gentle touch on the arm, a lick of the lips even when you are in a hurry to get to your meeting shows you care and leaves an imprint, a fond imprint that can not only lead to increased desire and arousal, but can also shield you two from the days when the rest of the world may bring you down. Being sexy, fliratious, playful and dirty even when you are not about to have sex is the key to keeping your relationship sexy.

I like to think that these are all a part of foreplay, and the actual physical things like kissing, touching, and oral sex which can actually increase the temperature and speed of your heartbeat, lead to arousal, intercourse and orgasm are just the icing on the cake. At the end of the day, you want to desire your partner, and you want your partner to desire you, so stop beating around the bush. Go ahead, get your foreplay on right now wherever you are.

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