#%#@!*&%$#-Free Movies

05/10/2005 03:06 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

You know, Marshall, the Catholic Church might just take you up on your offer to remove all references to their Church from the Davinci Code....but I digress…so let me get this straight: you’re upset with the red states because they want to watch their favorite movies without expletives?

Imagine if Coke lovers were clamoring for a caffeine-free version of their favorite drink and the company refused to make it, despite the fact that there were millions of consumers who would only buy it sans caffeine. Then these poor caffeine-hating Coke lovers were so desperate to enjoy their favorite soft drink that they made a special machine to take out the caffeine they hate from the Coke they love and then Coke sued them.

Strange right? Of course, because it would never happen. Any smart company would understand their customer’s tastes and create a product accordingly. That’s why Coke has caffeine free and regular. That these poor red state souls have no recourse but to create devices to delete content from movies that they otherwise enjoy shows that somebody isn’t doing their market research.

Here’s a crazy idea: For your next movie, create your regular blue-state version, and then hire the Utah guys to create a red-state version. Let each theater choose the version they want and sit back and watch your movie do double, maybe triple the business at the box office.