Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways -- so we like to round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Our guest curator this week is Chris Cate, who blogs at The ParentNormal and right here on HuffPost Parents. Read his selections below, and follow @HuffPostParents and @ParentNormal on Twitter for more!
I am dad, hear me sigh loudly as I turn off every light in the house. Again.
— Rockﾟﾇﾺﾟﾇﾸ (@TheMichaelRock) February 12, 2015
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it's Santa Claus!" so I don't have to get up.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) February 8, 2015
Not a parent: Toddler jumps out of the closet, waving deodorant, and terrifies you.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) February 10, 2015
Parent: Takes deodorant from toddler and puts some on.
In honor of her 100th day of school, I just had to tell Anna to get to bed 100 times.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) February 12, 2015
The thing is you could never know how easy one child is until you have two.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 10, 2015
Not sure I want to know why there's only one pair of the kid's underwear in four days worth of laundry....
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) February 11, 2015
Having my 3yo drive his toy monster truck around on my back for 14 seconds is as close as I get to having a "spa day".
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) February 12, 2015
My 9yo has been misusing the word "literally" all day long. Like, he's literally misused it 50,000 times.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) February 9, 2015
The original scripture said "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a 7yo boy to do 1 hour of homework."
— Sarah del Rio (@sarahdelri0) February 9, 2015
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 11, 2015
Kids are playing their harmonicas and refusing to put on pants. It's like a pair of old timey drifters have settled in my house.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 11, 2015
If I don't make racing sound effects, how will everyone know I'm running fast?
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 12, 2015
- my 5yo
I just ran away screaming, "STOP TOUCHING ME" from my kid next to me on the couch because I'm good at parenting and acting like an adult.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) February 10, 2015
4-year-old: *drops a Cheerio*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2015
Me: You can't eat that. It's dirty.
4-year-old: OK.
*feeds it to the baby*
Kids don't have school again tomorrow, which is perfect because we HAVEN'T QUITE COMPLETELY KILLED EACH OTHER YET.
— Christopher Monks (@crmonks) February 9, 2015
*talking to a friend
— Tired Working Mom (@WorkingMom86) February 9, 2015
Raising a child is NOTHING like raising a dog, I ca---
2 STOP! STAYYYY, now sit.
Anyways, yeah, you can't compare.
If you like Piￃﾱa coladas & often get caught in the rain, you're probably a parent.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) February 11, 2015
Cooking for kids tip: Why? They won't eat it anyway.
— elizabeth williams (@Elizasoul80) February 12, 2015
We're at the part of the day that I like to call "The Get It Your Freakin' Self" hour.
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) February 9, 2015
My 4yo is so terrified of blowing his nose I'm starting to wonder if he knows something I don't.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 9, 2015
My two daughters have yet to scratch each other's face in unrestrained anger and as a spectator I'm so bored.
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) February 12, 2015
4yo lied about being "done" and then pooped on my hand. There's that prestige I was looking for.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) February 10, 2015
Kids are so thoughtful.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 11, 2015
They give you unlimited rides on their crazy train for free.
Someone remind me why I was so excited when my kids started saying Mama.
— Stephanie Jankowski (@CrazyExhaustion) February 12, 2015
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