Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, & spend weekends watching your spawn play soccer, as long as you both shall live?"— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 23, 2016
Got all of my kids off to school without incident yet I feel there should be something more rewarding than my cold coffee.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 26, 2016
I’m totally into baby-wearing, but I mostly wear them as a hat.— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) October 24, 2016
[takes five-year-old to the bathroom in a porta potty]— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) October 22, 2016
5: Mommy...are we in a trash can?
Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2016
Thoughts and prayers for my living room are appreciated as I wait to see how badly my toddler trashed the house during my 4.5 minute shower.— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) October 25, 2016
Are you even a parent if you don't have hundreds of videos of your kid being boring just after being completely adorable.— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 23, 2016
I take my coffee with two pumps of coffee and a shot of extra coffee and a squirt of coffee on top.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) October 24, 2016
Child's new thing is to spin in circles till he's dizzy and falls down. This is the 2 year old equivalent of going to the bar.— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 24, 2016
When my barista asked me if I want a free extra expresso shot I tried to say "yes please" but it came out "don't you even know me."— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) October 24, 2016
Can't figure out 7th grade son's math homework -- despite using his book, Google, Wikipedia, and about five wine coolers.— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 27, 2016
When Bea was 3:— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) October 24, 2016
3yo: I love u the mostest.
Me: I love u my tiniest baby.
3yo: I love u my oldest Mommy. My fossil Mom. You are a fossil.
How to terrify a parent this Halloween:— Selfies to Selfless (@SelfiesSelfless) October 27, 2016
Tell them a sippy cup is missing. And it's full of milk.
Then watch them scream. Mwahahaha
When your kid gets "a mild case of chicken pox" after having been immunized twice against chicken pox. And you've never had them. pic.twitter.com/Lytjxw3mUM— stacia l. brown (@slb79) October 24, 2016
If your child isn't screaming into a pillow on her bedroom floor, how do you even know she has homework?— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) October 26, 2016
Hey childless people, take a knee. My son is 15 min deep in his monologue about what he wants for his birthday.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 24, 2016
4-year-old: *struggles to open a jar of peanut butter*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2016
Me: Want to know my trick for opening a stuck jar?
4: Hand it to Mom?
Me: Can you guys cooperate if I take you to the store?— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 25, 2016
5yo: Do we have to decide right now?
I've yet to witness anything more terrifying than a hangry mom whose kids are making her run late to school drop-off.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 25, 2016
I let my kid drink a whole glass of milk right before bed because I live life right on the edge.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 26, 2016
Major disappointment for a teen: not being invited to a party.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 26, 2016
Major disappointment for an adult: being invited to a party.