Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Kidless friend: what do you do all day?— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 3, 2017
Me: *Looks around at mess
Honestly, I'm not sure. But, it makes me really really tired.
"Can you help me with this science project that's due tomorrow?"— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 1, 2017
~ Kids, at 10pm
Me: where's the library book you took out this morning?— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) February 3, 2017
5: I lost it.
But here's a rock I found in a parking lot in Florida 2 years ago.
I'd love to see the look on my toddler's face if I just spit out the food *I* didn't like during lunch.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 31, 2017
How to take off shoes like my 4-year-old:— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 2, 2017
1) Remove shoe
2) Place it on shoe tray
3) Remove other shoe
4) Toss it into another dimension
Some lines you cross and you live with the consequences forever. Like potty-training kids, then suffering their poop schedules for eternity.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 2, 2017
Went to Disneyland because my daughter's obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 30, 2017
"Good things come to those who wait" unless you're three, then good things only come if you ask over and over again until everyone's crying.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) January 30, 2017
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we'll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 30, 2017
5yo: "What's a stereo?"— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) February 3, 2017
Me: "What you play music out of."
5yo. "It's called a PHONE."
Calm down, "confetti" flavor, it doesn't take that much to convince my kids to eat toaster waffles.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 2, 2017
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 29, 2017
Me: "It's bedtime; did you brush your teeth?"— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) February 3, 2017
7 yr old: "Yes- here, smell."
After practice, my son sprinkles tiny rubber pellets from the indoor turf with every step, like some sort of evil soccer fairy.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 1, 2017
The best thing about my kid being 2 is that she has no idea that it's actually midafternoon when I'm telling her it's too dark to go outside— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) January 30, 2017
8yo goes 17 hours without coughing until I ask him if he's up for going to school today..then a symphony of Academy Award-worthy coughs.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) January 31, 2017
Son: you have a gray hair— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) February 2, 2017
Me: it's a badge of honor
Son: *looks at head* whoa, you're like some sort of super soldier
Me: go to your room
H: What'd you do this afternoon?— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) February 3, 2017
Me: Lots of important things!
*Ignored my children and played "got your nose" with bff's baby for 2 hours
[kids wake up early]— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 28, 2017
MY INNER VOICE: Why for you wake me so early... pic.twitter.com/s4ctqq5L1Q