Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Well, you're up early.— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) March 27, 2017
-Me, greeting my children every morning since they were born
"I'm Uranus, I'm on fire. It's your desire."— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 29, 2017
-my 7yo's rendition of "Venus"
Making breakfast for a child:— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 29, 2017
Step 1: take order.
Step 2: make whatever you want because they're going to hate it & you'll end up eating it.
Kids need to come with a warning label that says: If you can read this you're too close to the wild animals.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 29, 2017
You haven't truly known panic until you let a 2 year old squeeze her own toothpaste.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 29, 2017
If your child gives you the silent treatment, that's called a parenting win.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2017
If you've never attempted to lock yourself in a closet, you probably don't have kids.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 26, 2017
Invite a pack of wild dogs into your house.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 30, 2017
Feed them angel hair pasta.
This is what having children is like.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2017
How do you spell regret?— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) March 28, 2017
P L A Y- D O H
I'm guessing that the people who think they know EVERYTHING are also the ones who haven't had kids yet.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 26, 2017
A year ago today my son tried to order "the penguin" off this menu. pic.twitter.com/U1Js9ZePwO— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) March 27, 2017
My toddler wanted to have an argument about who pooped in the diaper she was wearing.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 27, 2017
And it was the least crazy thing she did all day.
Parenting is great if you like being woken up on a weekend morning to plunge a clogged toilet.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 26, 2017
"How many times do cats blink in a day?" and other urgent questions your child HAS to know the answer to at bedtime.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 28, 2017
Show me a parent who says they haven’t been curious if their baby is a genius at least once and I'll show you a liar.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2017
Just had an argument with 4yo about whether or not she can have a snack while on the toilet, in case you were wondering what kids are like.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) March 27, 2017
I'm truly looking forward to the day when I don't have to remind another human being to wash her hands after dropping a deuce.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 28, 2017
[Bucket Lists]— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 26, 2017
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2017
Potty training is a great reminder as to why I didn’t become a motivational speaker.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) March 27, 2017
[cleaning pee off my 3yo and...everywhere]— Dad's Take (@DadsTake) March 27, 2017
Me: I didn't sign-up for this.
Life: Yes, yes you did. This is exactly what you signed up for.