Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Watching my son eat rice with chopsticks, 3 grains at a time, and I can't think of a better metaphor for parenting.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 19, 2017
Doing homework with your kids really shows you what you're made of. Currently I'm made of tears, rage and wine.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 20, 2017
Parents can save time by throwing half the money we spend on food directly into the trash and buying only one sock for kids rather than two.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 18, 2017
4-year-old: Did you know you can put cheese on anything?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2017
4: *intense whisper* ANYTHING.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 16, 2017
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 21, 2017
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what's for dinner when it's 9 am.
I like to describe both my adulting style and parenting style as "the before version in an infomercial."— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) April 21, 2017
Motherhood is simultaneously not wanting to miss a thing while also not wanting to be a part of these shenanigans.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) April 21, 2017
My toddler told me his diaper was full of peeps and I thought maybe Easter had mixed him up, but no, peeps it was.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) April 18, 2017
Get married & have kids so instead of being excited about the weekend you can chaperone a field trip & maybe go to a chain restaurant later.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 21, 2017
An episode of chopped, but it's me avoiding grocery shopping by making dinner out of boiled eggs, ham, and a half eaten chocolate bunny.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 17, 2017
I know I'm getting old because my kid called me an "old man" this morning and I wasn't even slightly offended.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 17, 2017
My kid is convinced I crept into her room and stole her pink pen, so now I can add BANDIT to the growing list of roles I play in this house.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) April 18, 2017
My favorite part of motherhood is when my kids demand the snacks I offered them 4 hours ago while I’m cooking dinner.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) April 17, 2017
Toddlers choosing what 3 things to bring on a desert island like:— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) April 18, 2017
1. Broken crayon
2. Naked babydoll
"I did! I did!"— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 18, 2017
- A toddler who didn't
I'm not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother's Day but I hope it's laundry.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 18, 2017
*tour— Beauty & The Meh (@TheAlexNevil) April 18, 2017
"Welcome to Parents-Year 7! On your left, you'll see parents saying the same thing 100 times. On your right, the Cave of Confusion..."
My kid maintained eye contact with me while picking her nose & wiping it on my bed.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 16, 2017
Do they earn toddler merit badges for these things?
I take one piece of my son's Easter candy and suddenly he has to take it to bed with him.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 17, 2017
At this point, I'm only packing my 7yo lunch for appearances.— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 17, 2017
Playing dead when a bear spots you, except it's me playing "asleep" when 4 crawls all over me and pries at my eyeballs at 5:30 AM.— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) April 21, 2017
Me, to 11 y.o: "You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid."— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 18, 2017
11: "Okkk... I'm sor- wait. Which sister?"