Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 26, 2017
*Sees burglar hiding in closet*— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) April 28, 2017
Me: Hey, mind if I hide in here with you? I need to get away from kids.
Parenting is pretty fun if you like spending Saturday afternoons being back seat driven by a 4 foot tall tyrant wearing plastic Pikachu ears— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 26, 2017
Me at 8am: "Oh, juice spill? That's ok, kids. Love you."— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 22, 2017
Me at 5pm: "If ONE MORE GODDAMN DROP OF JUICE spills, I'm burning the house down!"
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 25, 2017
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
When school sends home the lice letter, they should accompany it with a blowtorch and a listing of all the local homes for sale.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) April 26, 2017
That moment when you realize the only bands you've heard in concert lately are your kids pretending to be bands in concert.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 27, 2017
The Blair Witch Project, but it's just my toddler ripping down the baby monitor, then sitting in the corner crying.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) April 22, 2017
If I had a penny for every time I said, "He's not a horse, he's your brother" I could afford to buy an actual horse for her.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 26, 2017
Me: Where is the library book?— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) April 24, 2017
Toddler: My dog ate it.
Me: We don't have a dog.
My 7yo said "when I grow up, I'm gonna make the dad do all the laundry" and I believe the children are our future.— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 27, 2017
Walking into the store with my kids like: pic.twitter.com/I3AdRNBUDk— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) April 24, 2017
Marriage with kids is mostly saying 1,2,3 not it!— Meredith (@PerfectPending) April 26, 2017
The reason why a 2 parent system works so well is that one can take over yelling at the kids if the other gets winded— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski) April 25, 2017
Naptime is better described as the eye of the hurricane.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 26, 2017
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) April 28, 2017
"Wow, I've always wanted this."— Dad's Take (@DadsTake) April 27, 2017
~ something my 3yo didn't know existed 2 seconds ago
It doesn't matter how loud you play it, John Denver's Sunshine On My Shoulders will not drown out the fighting kids in your back seat.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 25, 2017
After a lengthy deliberation, my 7yo told me it was ok for me to tell him to go to bed. Thanks, buddy.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 28, 2017