Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 9, 2017
If you're not sure about having kids, have someone say "Mom!" 100 times before 7am & see if it's right for you.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 8, 2017
Have a second child, so you can do things different this time around and still manage to do everything wrong.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 8, 2017
If any good can come from stepping on sharp toys every day, it'll be the look on everyone's face when I walk on hot coals without flinching.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 10, 2017
Took the 4 year old to the playground; we stayed for 45 minutes & 1,253 "Yes, I'm watching!"s long.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 10, 2017
2 years ago, as my kid and I were leaving the grocery store, she yelled "WE FORGOT TO BUY MY CIGARETTES!" and I still think about that.— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) May 9, 2017
"Sure, sweetie. [sigh] It's not like I'm in the middle of anything."— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) May 9, 2017
-parents who are in the middle of everything
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he'll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 7, 2017
Nothing is as predictable as our 5yo wanting what she didn't want 2 minutes ago 2 minutes after I have sat down to do something else.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) May 8, 2017
Hang on, kids, I'm telling everyone on Facebook how many lunges I did and how many grams of Omega 3 are in this smoothie.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 10, 2017
That moment when both the kids wake up at 3 am on as Saturday morning... pic.twitter.com/2C6cjYmIFw— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) May 6, 2017
5yo: I'm not going to have a job.— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) May 9, 2017
Me: Where are you going to get money?
5yo: The ATM
Do you love being ignored?— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 8, 2017
Is constantly repeating yourself your jam?
Do you enjoy arriving late?
If so, parenting may be right for you
All I want for Mother's Day is to no longer have the soundtrack to "moana" playing on repeat in my head— Emily Peck (@EmilyRPeck) May 8, 2017
10yo: I came up with a trick for multiplying any number by 999 in my head.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) May 8, 2017
Also 10yo: Folding towels is haaaaaard!
Me: Did you have a good day at school?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 8, 2017
6-year-old: That's not how school works.
Not to brag but my kid holds the record for most consecutive screaming on a five hour plane ride to Hawaii. Welcome to paradise.— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 9, 2017
I love doing crafts with my kids!— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) May 8, 2017
Hi. I'm Dad. You may know me from "Because I Said So!," "Turn Off The Light/Shut The Door!" and the classic "Only Daddy Can Use That Word!"— I Would Meh 4 U (@TheAlexNevil) May 10, 2017
Pretty sure the Mesozoic Era was shorter than the time it's taking my son to poop in this Trader Joe's restroom.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 10, 2017
My version of headphones is having a forty pound child on my shoulders who's singing about fish.— dadpression (@Dadpression) May 10, 2017