Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
How to survive summer break?— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 18, 2017
Easy. Don't pick your kids up on the last day of school.
Being a mom sometimes means that you need to hold Darth Maul's double-bladed lightsaber while he goes to poop.— O' live (@offbeatoliv) May 17, 2017
My 2-year-old called the vehicle for sick people a "wee woo truck" and now I don't even remember what the right name is anymore.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 17, 2017
"It's pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself."— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 17, 2017
Remove your kids' glitter from your clothes in 3 simple steps:— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) May 16, 2017
1) Burn your clothes.
2) Don't buy glitter, fool.
3) Repeat steps 1 & 2.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 15, 2017
Actual footage of me making dinner for my kids pic.twitter.com/GDt3K9XeQd— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) May 18, 2017
I'm not saying it's a conspiracy, but I AM saying our parents downplayed how hard parenting is just so we would give them grandchildren.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 16, 2017
Husband & I drew straws to decide who'd go to the junior high spring concert, & who'd stay home with the little kids.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 17, 2017
(We both lost.)
Me to kids: Stop playing with toys while you eat!— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 18, 2017
Also me: [eats lunch while scrolling Twitter]
The day after Mother's Day is a great reminder that your family still doesn't know how to do common household tasks.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 15, 2017
Grocery List— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 15, 2017
1.) Free cookie from bakery
2.) Broken jar pushed off shelf
3.) Snack to calm toddler
4.) Stop toddler from undressing
Realistic parenting goals like: not drowning in a sea of dishes.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) May 19, 2017
Fifty shades of khaki shorts.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 19, 2017
The dads of summer.
As a wife and mother, my main job is pretty much just suggesting solutions to people who are actively ignoring me.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) May 18, 2017
10: Mom, what's a pack rat?— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 17, 2017
Me: *waves hand across her room* This.
My daughter thinks she has invented ice cream salad, which is actually just 2 kinds of ice cream in a bowl. This is how genius is revealed.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) May 18, 2017
Me: *playing with fidget spinner*— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 17, 2017
I don't get it. This is dumb.
[2 hrs later]
Me: *still playing with fidget spinner*
12 is a really bright kid, but he's still not smart enough to figure out I can always tell when he's lying.— Momzilla111 (@Momzilla111) May 18, 2017
friend: What's it like having kids?— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 15, 2017
me *says something that doesn't make any fucking sense*