Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My kids have been working magnificently together all summer on a big group project called "Destroying My Whole Damn House."— Ash (@adult_mom) July 20, 2017
My kids went back to school so if anyone needs someone to "Watch this!" or to go get them a snack, hit me up, I've got some openings.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) August 2, 2017
Buying your kid a water cannon for the pool is a great way to find out just how vicious your sweet little angel can be.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) July 31, 2017
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 2, 2017
That Shawshank scene where Andy Dufresne finally reaches freedom, but it's me exiting a kid birthday party.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 3, 2017
95% of summertime parenting is just reapplying sunscreen.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 30, 2017
Kids 20 years from now: Mom, where's my baby book at?— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) August 3, 2017
Me: Check Twitter
Now that it's August, I'm here to say that school can begin at anytime now. Seriously.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 2, 2017
Me: Stay right there.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) August 2, 2017
Let's get married & have kids so instead of enjoying brunch on Sunday you can get syrup out of hair while I scrape the burnt off of toast.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 30, 2017
Let sleeping teenagers lie.— Foxy Wine Pocket (@FoxyWinePocket) August 3, 2017
— a parent's proverb
5-year-old: My sisters are always around.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 29, 2017
Me: They live here, too.
5: They don't have to.
NOTHING makes me happier than throwing things away.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 2, 2017
This is what parenting does to a person.
It's exciting when your child starts taking showers until you realize that means yelling every 10 minutes to remind her what she's doing— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) July 31, 2017
My son has already decided what he wants to be for Halloween, meanwhile he's almost seven years old and I'm still not sure if I want kids.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 1, 2017
I've somehow reached the point in life where my daughter is jealous that I have more Instagram followers than she does.— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) August 3, 2017
"Mommy, I went into the fridge to get some carrots but there weren't any so I had some chocolate frosting instead."— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 3, 2017
Can't deny she's mine.
My 7yo threw up 5 min ago, and now is angry that I won't let him have dessert, but congratulations on your pregnancy— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 3, 2017
A crockpot is a great way to cook meats that kids don't eat into meat mush that kids don't eat.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 2, 2017
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) August 2, 2017